Eve 6 -- Leech
     (*1/2) The bad boys of Eve 6 get interrogated by the police at the local police station. The Pretentiousness Police, that is. This entire idea unravels for a couple reasons, the two biggest being that we would never believe these pansies could do anything to get arrested, and the fact that Tony Fagenson’s producer father would instantly buy them out of this jam, just like he bought them a record contract. My previous optimism for their future may have been unfounded. --JW

Garbage -- Special
     (***)  Shirley Manson is stuck in a video game, where God knows the Koopas will surely kick her ass. It’s an impressive video, with Shirley in a fighter jet, being chased by the other band members, who are all out to get her because they’re jealous of her fame as Garbage frontwoman. And it seemed so much more subtle when No Doubt did it in the form of "Don’t Speak." –AH

Whitney Houston f/Faith Evans and Kelly Price – Heartbreak Hotel
     (**1/2)  Whitney never decided to be trendy before, or at least it didn’t seem like it because she was still releasing fluff like "I’m Your Baby Tonight," "I’m Every Woman" and all the other "I’m" songs. This video features Biggie Smalls’ widow and the even roomier Price, both trotted out to emphasize that, yes, Whitney is the finest woman in the video. Maybe the Mariah Carey duet killed some of her self-esteem or something. The Mariah comparison is inevitable, because it’s only been about a year since Mariah decided she had to be street-relevant or something. Now Whitney follows suit, with that syncopated Timbaland sound. It’s also the first time, I believe, that she’s had to resort to a "featuring…" credit in her video. No one does anything alone anymore, dammit. The "Heartbreak Hotel" video is decent but forgettable, with an abused Whitney tossing her coat into the ocean and, naturally, lounging around a swank hotel. The whole song has that "look what you did to me / I can’t believe you did this to me / Why did you do this to me?" feel to it. At the end, Whitney declares, "I ain’t gon’ take it no more" six times in rapid succession. Damn, Bobby, guess you betta get to steppin’! --AH
     (**) The way this starts off, with Whitney sharing vocals with Faith Evans and Kelly Price, I half expect Puff Daddy to pop up and start rapping as I slowly realize they’ve stolen the beat from Toto’s "Rosanna." Still, Whitney has obviously been influenced by the "Daddy" lifestyle, because she apparently has her own jet, and walks along the beach with an expression that just screams "How Whitney Got Her Groove Back." Everything in this video is white except the girls, as if Whitney is finally giving up and saying, "Yes, I am BET material after all." All those late nights with Bobby must have finally paid off. --JW

Mya – My First Night With You

      (**)  Man, could I take Mya home to Mama. I bet even David Duke could convince his mother that Mya just fell asleep on the tanning bed. But no such luck, white folks -- Mya always has a brotha on her side, even when she’s on the Ferris wheel. Or on the beach. Or on that tire swing. Hell, this video is all cliché, and all slow jam. I’m sure somewhere, somehow Casey Kasem is introducing this song like it’s the dope shit. But, you know what, Casey? Just because she’s a cute octaroon doesn’t mean you have to put her on the countdown. --AH

Outkast – Rosa Parks 
     (*1/2)  Hoorah for the blue screen. Without the outfits and that blue screen, this video would be nothing. First, Outkast sports a Mets jersey, then he’s got a catcher’s mask and some football gear. Yeah, it’s gotten so rough now in the ghetto that everyone wears football helmets. The song is alright, I think. I like the drum beat; it’s like that submarine sound effect from the 1966 Batman movie. Anyone know what I’m talking about? You probably do if you’re as hopped up on opium as I am. Later scenarios feature Outkast and some girls dancing against a smoke-filled background. Pretty nondescript. --AH
      (*)  I bet guys like this make Rosa Parks wish she had given up her seat after all. Outkast has apparently become some sort of model for some sports wear company, because he’s wearing a different team jersey on every couple seconds. This entire video has a Gap montage look to it, as if it should be playing overhead in the Nautica department of Famous Barr. The entire video is blue-screened, and the dance styles are stolen directly from Puff Daddy, so nothing in it is real. Just great. --JW

Sublime – Santeria
      (***1/2)  Over the past year, this song has become somewhat of an anthem at our apartment, for one reason or another. The video is about as much fun, with the dalmation and band members who are still alive acting out an Old West bar scene where a gigantic black man terrorizes everyone in a pool game and a near-shootout. As we all know, a shootout can’t happen on MTV because you’re not even allowed to say ".45." Yeah, whenever Kurt Loder has to count to 50 on the air, he skips straight from "44" to "46." But, I gleefully note, you can say "punk ass." Justice is salvaged. Great video, barmaid hooker and all. My only complaint is the pitiful inclusion of dead lead singer Brad Whatshisname as a ghastly, guitar-playing silhouette. Sorry, Brad, it’s like recess – if you misbehave with, say, a heroin overdose, you have to sit out the video. --AH

Third Eye Blind – Semi-Charmed Life

     (**)  It’s my theory that at any given time, this song is playing in a frat house somewhere in the country. Apparently, it’s about getting hooked on speed or something, but it all boils down to pretentious fun. The singer’s running down the street, noticing the atrocities of life while lip synching the lyrics. A circle of bikers also romps the streets, sitting aimlessly while the "doo-doo-doo, doo-doo doo-doos" fly. Eventually the angst reaches a boiling point, the song crescendos and Casey Kasem switches to a Celine Dion song. --AH

Rob Zombie -- Dragula
     (**)  Are you 13? Don’t like the Backstreet Boys, you say? Matchbox 20 doesn’t do it for you? Well, there is a way to be rebellious, cool and still oddly mainstream. Go with the new MTV-friendly incarnation of Rob Zombie, whose single from last year's Hellbilly Deluxe has explosions, hellfire, big guitars and evil-looking dreadlocks. Oh, and he doesn’t seem to cut his fingernails much, so he must exist outside of normal society. He’s driving the Munstermobile around, too, so you know the fun will never cease. You know what this reminds me of? The scene toward the end of Pee Wee’s Big Adventure where Pee Wee happens upon Twisted Sister filming the "Burn in Hell" video. Rob Zombie is just about as genuine, although my brother would definitely give this four stars. --AH
     (**)  "Hey Butthead, this is cool! There’s a bunch of colors, and everything is all weird and twisted! It’s like... it’s like a music video!" Oh, how Beavis would cherish this video. The entire video reminds me of an acid trip brought on by staring old ‘70s decals. I keep expecting the "Keep on Truckin’" guy to pop up somewhere. The only good thing about this video is it brings us back to the days when metal (*cough* Megadeth *cough*) used to be so evil it was comical. I’ve been missing that. Thanks, Rob! --JW
 

Z-Music Video of the Week

John Johnethis – Flood
     (1/2)  You may wonder how desperate the world of Christian music is. I don’t. I’ve seen this video, a remake of the Jars of Clay’s crossover song "Flood." John John actually gets his shoes shined in the video, for like half of the video. And he wears a leopard-skin scarf as he plucks the piano. Is Jesus happy? No, because this is embarrassing for the whole faith. And this is one of the major religions of the world. If this album is half as popular as Pat Boone’s heavy metal album, John will be set for life. --AH
     (zero)  You watch Z-Music long enough and God throws you a bone as if to say, "Thanks for staying up until 4:30 a.m. with us, boys, now check this shit out!" This week’s gift? A Lounge remake of Jars of Clay’s "Flood." Secular music gets "Enter the Sandman" as done by Pat Boone; Christian music gets this fruit. The worst part is he thinks he’s genuinely cool for relating to young Christians on this level, snapping fingers and all. At one point the sound blanked out, as if the censors of Z-Music thought this was too crossover. It’s too bad I’m not still religious, because this would be a great video to destroy my faith. --JW
 

Classic Videos

Bobby Brown – On Our Own (1989)

     (**)  It’s probably not a daunting task to be known as the guy who has to follow Ray Parker, Jr., but Bobby Brown did an admirable job of it with this theme song from Ghostbusters II. Bobby realized he couldn’t just do a song with the chorus "Who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters II!" So he went for this Babyface / L.A. Reid late-‘80s pop classic, which is rendered in the decade’s full tackiness. Brown overruns the streets of New York, his projected image showing off that horrid slanted-fade hairstyle, leather hats and, yes, Z. Cavaricci shirts. Clips from Ghostbusters II are interspersed as Big Apple dennizens like Donald Trump, Iman and Christopher Reeve react in contrived cameos. Anything that puts Reeve and Brown within 100 feet of each other can only be called contrived. --AH

     (**)  Bobby Brown in top form, made in the heart of the "Let’s just describe the movie" rap era. The director must have called in all of his favors to make these cameos happen, because I doubt half these people even knew who Bobby Brown was before he married Whitney. I mean, I just can’t see Donald Trump grooving to New Edition. You want to know why they never show this video anymore? Look for the cameo of Christopher Reeve riding a bike. In skin tight jogging gear yet, sweating from his full-bodied exertion. That’s just too damned cruel! Ray Parker Jr., Bobby Brown, I wonder whose career Ghostbusters III is going to ruin? --JW

Don Henley -- The Boys of Summer (1985)

     (**)  Don reminisces about a relationship gone sour while floating down the street in his authentic Don Johnson-brand, "Hey I’m 35, and I’m still cool dammit!" kit, right down to the mussed hair and five o’clock shadow. We also get the inside track of the music industry, as we get to see the record executive deep in thought as to how he can squeeze just one more hit out of Mr. Henley.  Finally, the cameras moves back and we see that Don wasn’t really floating, but was just standing in front of a television monitor. Damn him for ruining the magic! --JW

Billy Joel – Uptown Girl (1983)
     (**1/2)  When exactly did Billy Joel convince himself that he was at the forefront of the music video game? I swear, he made like 15 videos in 1983. I think "Uptown Girl" itself is still one of the best car singalongs ever, but the video doesn’t quite measure up. Hint: They never named it the Billy Joel Video Vanguard Award. Billy, the dirty but sensitive mechanic, enlists the help of all his lowlife friends to win the hand of classy Christy Brinkley, who now probably wishes she’d gotten that fill-up at a different gas station. But the breakdancing thugs and the biker badasses help sway Christy’s mind, and by the three-minute mark she’s dancing right along with them. It’s fun but laughable as hell, and I almost wish they’d do an updated version of it with crack dealers and Marilyn Manson worshippers singing and dancing. But that would be too much like "Cop Rock," wouldn’t it? --AH
     (**1/2)  This is one of those videos I have pleasant memories of, even though it’s not very good, because I remember watching it with my parents on MTV in 1983 when it was first on. That being said, I think Billy Joel would look just as greasy if he had been wearing a suit instead of overalls. Never before or since has he looked any more like a troll that should be living in a belltower in France somewhere. And this is what won Christi Brinkley over to him! Was it pity, or some deeper fetish we can’t understand? It’s still a fun video, but it’s become so dated it can’t be taken at face value. Of course, all the times I heard it over the intercom when I was working as a grocery store clerk didn’t help. --JW

Seal – Crazy (1991)
     (***)  This review is partly to atone for some nasty comments I made about Seal during my 1994 reviews. "Crazy" is one of those rare songs that crosses all genres – it still gets alternative and adult-contemporary airplay, and maybe the occasional R+B disc jockey. The video is sparse, that same white soundstage, this time with a 360-degree sofa. The video works because it shows us multiple Seals at all times but never focuses in on his burn scars. The braids, the hood, strategically placed fingers, they all cover up the monstrosity that is Seal’s face. Other plusses -- he keeps his shirt on and there are a few hot early ‘90s fly girls. Fly girls were never in short supply in the early ‘90s. In the end, he holds a dove. Deep. –AH

Pearl Jam -- Jeremy (1991)
     (**1/2)  "Film 101: My Final Project," by Eddie Vedder. Eddie tells us the sad but gripping true story of a boy who shot himself in his classroom, all the while going back and forth from looking impressed to looking like somebody has a hand up his ass. All the while, our children’s social interaction problems are flashed at us on cards. I think the director of this video is the same kind of guy who would paint a green stripe across a canvas and pass it off as an interpretation of the emotion envy. This was a video we all loved, from the best Pearl Jam album of all time, but it’s aged so badly. --JW