81. Boyz II Men – I’ll Make Love to You (1994) 
     (**)  One of the Boyz installs a security system in the house of a single honey. ("This will keep you safe from the likes of Color Me Badd, Shai and Jodeci, not to mention Bobby Brown.") As she offers him a drink, the intro music suggestively kicks in, but he declines. Guess they have to rehearse harmony vocals for the next eight hours or so. I’ll be straightforward with you – I bought the II album in early 1995, and I still like a lot of the songs on it. (If "On Bended Knee" ain’t the stuff early ‘90s slow jams were made of, I’m Redd Fucking Foxx.) But this is the song everyone’s going to remember from the album; it was #1 for like six months, and I never got much into it. Perhaps because it’s directed toward the vaginas of 13-year-old female record buyers. When I hear four black men promise to make love to me, I rip off the headphones quick. The video, aside from its security-alarm bookends, is just another four-minute lesson on Eddie Bauer accessorizing. All the Boyz have preppie clothes that complement the other Boyz’ outfits perfectly. When all else fails, they can always get catalog modeling gigs, I suppose. –Andrew Hicks 
    (**½)  Geez, remember when you couldn't turn on MTV without seeing this video? 1994 was a year when I usually had MTV on if I was in my room, so I became well acquainted with the Boyz. It's a good song, but I really can't get into it, considering I really have no desire for any of the harmonizers to "make love to you, like you want me to." No, no, I don't want you to! Now that we have that under control, I have to remark on the weaknesses that make me not like this video. First of all, when you're installing security systems, and a hot girl asks you in for a drink, you say "Yes!" Second, if the guy installing your system makes suggestive remarks and leers at you nervously, you've probably picked the wrong company to provide you with peace of mind. Third, and perhaps most importantly, who the hell would copy a love letter from Boyz II Men lyrics? Yes, I'm aware this has worked for Andrew a few times, but that's completely beside the point. Anyway, this is a decent song with an OK video that unfortunately got vaulted to legend status by MTV. And apparently BET doesn't have any better sense. --James Wallace 

78. Montel Jordan – This Is How We Do It (1995) 

     (**½)  Instead of rapping about killing niggas and fucking bitches, Montel raps about how he has a big black truck and never drives drunk. Well, that’s a relief. This song came out in the height of my public school days (when I was a lowercase-g, you might say), and I kind of liked it at the time. Enough so that, when it was sandwiched between "Here Comes the Hotstepper" and "Short Short Man" (remember THAT one?) on MTV Party To Go Vol. 7, I never skipped over it. The CD has since been moved to my disowned albums shoebox, and I’ve since learned that Montel lifted this song’s music wholesale from Slick Rick’s "Children’s Story." BET thoughtfully placed the videos back to back on its countdown, leaving no illusions as to its heritage. "This Is How We Do It" was one of the original garish-color house party videos, and it still holds up fairly well, but it’s amusing as hell to hear him rap about how, "Once upon a time in ’94, Montel made no music and life sho’ was slow," considering that the lyric also applies to most of Montel’s years since 1994. –AH 
     (**)  Looking back on things, Montel kind of reminds me of a cross between Hootie and Arsenio Hall. --JW 

Bonus: Screenshots from Slick Rick's "Children's Story":

74. Erykah Badu – On and On (1997) 

     (***)  Despite myself, I like this song-video package. I know, to Erykah, I’m nothing but a whip-wielding cracker and she’d rather watch her kids starve than have the likes of me buying her album, but when this came out, I thought we were in for some classy jazz from a modern-day Ella Fitzgerald. Then, of course, she followed it up with the decidedly Destiny’s Child-like "Tyrone." Here, she’s in a fat Aunt Jemima doorag (or is that actually supposed to be her hair?), breezing in and out of a country house for four minutes. Basically, she does housework – it’s a video audition for a job as a temp maid if her singing career doesn’t pan out, I suppose. She leads a cow around the house, tries to stop a dog from stealing the wash and pauses to comb all the naps out of her daughter’s hair. Most of the video is done in one take, but it never really adds up to much of anything interesting. The highlight of the video is her falling in mud, after all. –AH 

     (***)  I'd never heard this song before the BET countdown, so didn't have very expectations of it. After all, Erykah never gave us much besides advice on who to call and great examples of the available and reasonably priced fashion digs awaiting us at the Jungle Hut. However, this video wipes all that away. The song is soulful, and goes back to the standards set up by ladies like Billie Holiday and Ella Fitzgerald. I guess we have Lauryn Hill to thank for bringing that back, but Erykah does a great job of expressing her angst at those rich folk who can take everything away from her but her pride. The video doesn't have too much going on to back the song up, or it would probably rate better. We see how Erykah goes on with her everyday, destitute, taking-care-of-her-12-kids-with-no-support life. She goes outside, and falls in what is either mud (Andrew's theory) or oil (which is mine and would make more sense, since she seems overjoyed about it and it brings the uppity townsfolk a-runnin'.) So now Erykah is a millionaire. California is the place she oughta be, so she called up her label, and now she's on BET. Black Entertainment Television, that is. Minor R&B artists. Minor movie stars. Mariah Carey. You be coming back here now, word? --JW 

65. Michael Jackson – The Way You Make Me Feel (1988) 
    (***)  This is the funniest of the Michael Jackson, "I Have Testosterone, I Swear," subgenre of videos, a five-minute cut where he follows a big-haired ‘80s supermodel around and sings at her. She keeps walking, he jumps on a parked car. She cuts through the car, he cuts through right behind her. By that point, though, she’s enjoying it. Remember that, boys. When they say, "No, Michael Jackson, you can’t babysit my 8-year-old for two weeks," they really mean, "Yes, take the little bastard to your secluded Neverland Ranch for the weekend. I wouldn’t dream of suing." Hang in there for the video’s end, where Mike stops the song and grabs a posse of male dancers for a rapidly choreographed ground-humping session. Male or female, you’ll never stop clutching your nuts after watching this. –AH
     (**)  See, this proves it. Michael was preying on the community long before Macauley Caulkin came along. In this video, Michael is heading up a gang of guys who follow around this girl and sing to her, and who desperately wants to get away. First she's perturbed, then bothered, and finally he gets to her and they tenderly hug. I guess she just gave in. Proving once again that antics that portray a dangerously obsessed personality and would get you locked up in the real world are seen as romantic and persistent on sitcoms and music videos. Eh, she shouldn't have been in that neighborhood anyway. --JW 

61. Chaka Khan – I Feel For You (1984) 
     (*½)  Ch-Ch-Chaka-Ch-Ch-Chaka Khan Chaka Khan Chak-Ch-Ch-Cha-Ch-Chaka Chaka Khan Chaka Khan Ch-Ch-Ch-Chaka-Ch-Cha-Ch-Chaka Chaka Chaka Khan Chaka Chaka Khan Ch-Ch-Chaka Ch-Ch-Chaka Khan Chaka Khan Chak-Ch-Ch Cha-Ch-Chaka Chaka Khan Chaka Khan Ch-Ch-Ch-Chaka Ch-Cha-Ch-Chaka Chaka Chaka Khan Chaka Chaka Khan Ch-Ch-Chaka-Ch-Ch-Chaka Khan Chaka Khan Chak-Ch-Ch-Cha Ch-Chaka Chaka Khan Chaka Khan Ch-Ch-Ch-Chaka-Ch-Cha Ch-Chaka Chaka Chaka Khan Chaka Chaka Khan Ch-Ch-Chaka Ch-Ch-Chaka Khan Chaka Khan Chak-Ch-Ch Cha-Ch-Chaka Chaka Khan Chaka Khan Ch-Ch-Ch-Chaka Ch-Cha-Ch-Chaka Chaka Chaka Khan Chaka Chaka Khan Ch-Ch-Chaka-Ch-Ch-Chaka Khan Chaka Khan. –AH 

59. Snoop Doggy Dogg – Gin and Juice (1993) 
     (****)  "Gin and Juice" is an undeniable gangsta rap classic, a five-minute precursor to the movie Friday that introduces us to Snoop’s family – overbearing mom, dad clutching a 40 in a paper bag; no real surprises here – and sees the cornrowed potsmoker through his day as "Home Boy Alone." That entails getting his hair braided, having sex at a drive in, smoking a lot of pot, tossing down some Tanqueray and throwing a huge party at his house. Thanks to BET, I’ve now seen the frustratingly altered remix video for the first time – gone are the fights between the soulsistas and the hair-braiding, for one. The only interesting thing added was a scene of a bunch of Snoop’s friends staggering out of a smoke-filled car. Snoop gets no love, I guess, between BET’s inclusion of the lame remix video and their bumping this up to #59. The four-star rating, by the way, is for the original video. –AH 
     (**)  If this is what BET offers, this is what gets reviewed. I considered going back and reviewing the original "Gin and Juice" video, which in my opinion rates as the second greatest rap video of all time, but instead decided to point out what a piece of utter crap the remix is. First of all, they changed the original Dre beat to something that's more suited to somebody in the Master P camp, and is very late 90s. This bothers me greatly. Second, they made Snoop clean it up for the airwaves, which he was all too happy to do, proving once again that Snoop Doggy Dogg…err, I mean Snoop Dogg is only what you make out of him. --JW 

58. Prince and the Revolution – Kiss (1986) 
     (**½)  The wisest decision Prince ever made was to make sure the "Kiss" video, from his soundtrack to Under the Cherry Moon, didn’t actually have any clips from that disastrous black-and-white period movie in it. Oh, the finished result is plenty embarrassing – Prince begins with a black quarter-shirt and some diagonal-button jeans and ends with just the jeans. Note the appalled looks from Wendy, his much more modest guitar player. She has since come out of the closet as a lesbian, and I can only imagine it was those long, dark nights in the recording studio with His Royal Purpleness that made her arrive at that decision. Prince at least keeps his hands off her in this video – no, he has a thong-wearing model in a black veil to turn his attentions toward. There’s a little sailor-wanna-hump-hump action here, but mostly he just preens and struts for the camera. Seduce and destroy, that’s Prince’s motto. The backdrop for "Kiss" is smoke, neon lights, a sunset-scape and a sandbox of some sort. How many Midwest strip clubs have since been modeled around those small details, I wonder? –AH 
     (**)  We can't really blame Wendy for deciding that Lisa was where the action was. I mean, how could she not end up a Lesbian hanging out with this fruity bastard? If Wendy and Lisa ever brought Prince on a talk show, I think the topic would be "You fucked me up, and now I'm gay!" Umm, moving on to more politically correct venues, this is probably one of the least freaky Prince videos I've seen. He sings and dances and prances around Wendy, who's keeping the rhythm on an acoustic guitar. Well, she tries to keep the groove going, even when he's all up in her mix and she finds herself covered by Prince spittle. Of course, one big question must be answered: "Where's Tom Jones?" Now that boy has range! --JW 

56. 2Pac – Keep Ya Head Up (1993) 

     (***)  One of the great conundrums in rap music is the Jekyl and Hyde nature of 2Pac. He’ll fuck your wife and snuff you out with his .44, but god damn, does he love his mommy and once an album, he’ll bust out with one of these community-service woman-loving tracks. "Keep Ya Head Up" is the original 2Pac social-consciousness track, and for some reason, I still really like it. (The kind and gentle side of 2Pac resonates with me – "Changes" was one of my favorite rap singles from last year.) The video is an assortment of benign ghetto images, from shots of the young 2Pac hanging out with his mom to the grown-up 2Pac in a horizontal-striped orange shirt, posse flanking him in a circle. If only life was this peaceful all the time – even the dice games are happy in the "Keep Ya Head Up" video. –AH 
     (***)  This is 2Pac's shout-out to Motherhood and childhood memories and shit like that. I guess that's why he's wearing the Dennis the Menace striped shirt and backward hat. Of course, poor Mr.Wilson would probably have a cap in his ass by now if 2Pac was playing that little spitfire. I can just see it now: "Bang! I done popped yo ass, Mr.Wilson! Now give me some motherfuckin' ice cream and shit!" Maybe that's best left alone. In any case, this is a happy video. We see 2Pac show his love for Marvin Gaye, the hood, and happy games like craps, which he plays with some neighborhood kids. Of course, it's happy craps; he doesn't jack them or steal little Warren's wealth or anything. All in all, it's a good solid video, but I probably wouldn't understand. --JW 

43. Wreckx N Effect – Rump Shaker (1993) 

     (*½)  This is one of the classic bad rap videos from the early ‘90s, one I’m almost surprised to see on the countdown. What can you say about a song that uses "Virginia" as a euphimism for the female sex organ and entices women with, "Since you got the body of the year, come and get the award / Here’s a hint, it’s like a long, sharp sword"? Charming. You’d think, for the sake of the advancement of the race, BET would have disowned this one. Nope, it’s in at #43, and for the first time in years, I get to watch the members of Wreckx N Effect turn their camcorders on unsuspecting bikini-clad honies. "Rump Shaker" is four minutes of just that – rappers in passé fashions intercut with butts wiggling and waggling in true Mix-a-Lot fashion. Snoop would have bitch-slapped these guys all the way back to Virginia. Have I mentioned my disowned CD box? Yeah, this one’s in there. –AH 

     (*)  Songs about ass were pretty big in the early '90s, as opposed to the later '90s where most of the songs are ass. And yes, all I want to do is a zoom zoom zoom 'n a boom boom. You would be correct. -JW 

32. George Clinton – Atomic Dog (1983) 
     (**)  Sorry, George. I love you, baby, but this video just doesn’t cut it these days. It’s a trip and a half, the fake "Atomic Dog" video game and all, but it leaves me with an odd, creeped-out feeling. There’s the Secret Service-looking guy with the sunglasses playing the video game, there’s the yellow-checkered suit guy who tosses the quarters at the camera and there’s the Olivia Newton-John clone who sends the Secret Service guy down the neon elevator to the lower level, where people in cat costumes frolic on, yeah, catwalks. This is all well and good for 1983, but where the hell is George? Yeah, I know, he was on a yearlong Reaganomics acid trip in 1983, but they could have at least tossed some shades on him and had him lip synch for a half-hour or so. –AH
     (***½)  Damn this guy is funky! I'm sorry, but nobody is cooler than George Clinton. It doesn't matter if he's with Parliament or on his own or backing up Ice Cube -- he's just the coolest cat on the block. I could live 1000 years, and I'd never be this cool. This video features cartoon dogs and bitches (sorry, that's the name for a female dog), girls in cat costumes and machines that have no purpose except to get down. Maybe I could throw a party this cool if I make it my life's work, but I have a feeling this is just another day at George's house. The amazing part of it is that he doesn't even have to be there: the funk just rolls on. -JW 

26. Coolio f/L.V. – Gangsta’s Paradise (1995) 
     (***)  "Gangsta’s Paradise" was the only Coolio song that ever meant anything and the only time the Notorious B.I.G. changed his name to L.V. and sweated bucket after bucket of hot sauce on camera. I think it’s safe to say it was also the only instance where Michelle Pfeiffer has been on BET. Yeah, "Gangsta’s Paradise" now plays as one of those videos that was made just for Weird Al to parody it (dammit, James, you don’t have to rap the equivalent lyrics from "Amish Paradise" for the entire length of the song), but I’m always going to remember it as a defining single from the late high school/early college period of my life. The video is loaded with clips from Dangerous Minds, a movie I really don’t like to be reminded that I actually watched, and the best moment is the attempted badassery of Michelle Pfeiffer ("You want to tell me what this is all about?"). So what. I’m giving this three stars anyway. –AH 
     (**½)  Who the hell is L.V.? He probably hangs out with Supercat, M.C. Scat Cat, and all the other featured cats you've never heard of. MICHELLE PFEIFFER: "You want to tell me what this is all about?" Uh yeah, I'm getting to it. Well, the gist of the video is that Michelle Pfeiffer is called down to Coolio's lair to listen to his latest single, as she tries to convince him to stop the madness. Err, the madness on the streets, not the madness that is his career. It falls on deaf ears until she produces a Lil' Coolio, who looks just like the G that all the little omelets wanna' be like. Then of course he realizes that it must end with him. Dear God, let it end with him! Anyway, I'm not very attached to this video, and would much rather see the Weird Al version. Why? Well, I guess I'm just a million times holier than thou art. --JW 

23. Earth, Wind and Fire – Let’s Groove (1983) 
     (zero)  I should just put down, "No comment," and be done with it, but I feel compelled to write a full review for this monstrosity. Don’t get me wrong; I enjoy Earth, Wind and Fire’s ‘70s output. I’m the only one in my apartment who does. But this is one of those early ‘80s non-videos that should never see the light of day. Our society has advanced too much for this. Eight guys with bad hair wearing Thriller reject costumes, dancing almost in synch in front of a blue-screen that offers all sorts of rotating neon for our pleasure. At one point, three of their heads appear in the stars to sing down at a girl who’s sitting on a computerized, spinning blue rose. And, what’s worse, my one-time best friend’s funk band used to play this song, so the whole time I watched this, I was picturing his silhouette head belting this out from the stars. This is what happens when you take the brown acid. –AH 
     (½)  EWF got a pretty good deal on this video. For the low, low price of $24.99, Six Flags was able to make them their very own copy of the video to take home and show their friends. They were able to choose from many possible effects including: Rainbow Tracers, Multi-Color Aura and Infinity Borders! The "Future is Now" 70s Glam Gear, though? That's all them. This probably deserves the coveted zero-star award, but it's just too forgettable. To get the zero, you pretty much have to offend me personally or cause me pain. Try to be more like the Backstreet Boys, Jay-Z, or REO Speedwagon next time, okay? --JW 

22. NWA – Express Yourself (1990) 
     (***)  It looks a little primitive these days, and it’s not nearly as badass as the MTV-banned video for "Straight Outta Compton," but "Express Yourself" is definitely one of the classic NWA cuts. The rappers burst through a paper cutout that declares, "I Have a Dream" (we’ll get to that later in the countdown, believe you Mia), piss off a horseback cop and eventually take over the White House. You wanted to see Dr. Dre get on the red phone and tell off Gorbechev once and for all? Well, son, you’ve got your chance. I could do without the low-budget shots of the guys in the prison cells, but the Oval Office shit and the brown-and-white slave footage is world-class. (You have to imagine me saying "world-class" in a Ross Perot voice to get the full effect.) It’s also worth watching just to hear Dre declare, "I don’t smoke weed or cess, ‘cause it’s known to give a brother brain damage." I guess those were the days before he realized he could sell 10 million albums just by flashing an oversize pot leaf on the cover. –AH 
     (***)  Perhaps not NWA at the baddest, but a pretty cool video nonetheless. Being original, not doing drugs, and using correct English are the subject of this video. No, I'm serious. Dre rants against drug use, because it can give you brain damage. Yeah… right. If I wasn't such a gentleman, I might produce two albums by Dre entitled The Chronic, one which features a giant pot leaf over the entire CD. But of course, I wouldn't do that. --JW 

9. Janet Jackson – Rhythm Nation (1989) 

     (***½)  Hello, I’m Marsha Warfield with today’s Important Date in Black History. June 13, 1989: Janet Jackson secedes from the union and forms the rhythm nation. Only dancers who rehearse eight hours per day are invited, and all are made to wear constrictive, gender-neutral military uniforms that even her brother Michael probably snickered at, not to mention the black caps with the silver numbers "1814" on them… The official full name of the album is Rhythm Nation 1814, and I always wondered what the hell the "1814" stood for. Was it the year rhythm was invented or something? Nah, I just think it’s the number of Janet’s hotel room, and she wants to make sure everyone knows tonight is Wesson Oil Orgy Night and she has enough oil for all. I don’t think "Rhythm Nation" is Janet’s best video or anything – I’d give those honors to "Love Will Never Do (Without You)," which didn’t even make the countdown – BET seems to think so, what with its perfunctory message of racial unity and all. It definitely has its place in music-video history, though, and a cold, unique black-and-white look no other video has quite matched. Janet and her uniform-clad dancers are down in a steamy factory, doing mechanical, choreographed dance moves while a shivering child watches. (Janet, just stop dancing and feed the kid.) She wore also wore the constrictive "Rhythm Nation" uniform in her "Miss You Much" video, but a grateful teenage male public thanked her when she lost nearly all those clothes a couple years later. --AH 

     (***)  I can't help it. I like this video, I like the song, but every time it comes on, Carman ruins it for me. See, it was all good, until I started hanging out with Andrew's former-Christian-school-attending ass, and he showed me the guilty pleasures of the Christian music industry and its reigning king, Carman. Carman, the Italian lounge singer who cares not what color, creed, or genre you inhabit; he'll steal from you anyway. Creatively that is. A few years back he released a video called "R.I.O.T." (or "Righteous Invasion of Truth" for those who believe,) and the title song looked a hell of a lot like this video. Not that I wouldn't go for a little "R.I.O.J." (or "Righteous Invasion of Janet" for those of us who are going to burn forever and ever.) --JW 

5. Dr. Dre f/Snoop Doggy Dogg – Nuthin’ But a G Thang (1992) 

     (****)  I still think this video is the penultimate gangsta rap opus, meandering and lazy but ultimately and undeniably funky just like the song’s West Coast flow. It begins with Dre arriving at Snoop’s house, where a band of thugs lift weights in the front yard and Mama’s hair is still in curlers. ("Hey, Dre, I heard your new album is da bomb!" Snoop’s sister calls out. Not that she’s biased or anything.) From there, plenty of souped-up hydraulic hoo-rides, a barbecue tended to by a man with a gun tucked into the back of his apron and a party where the fridge is filled with nothing but 40s. All the while, Dre raps and Snoop trails him like the subdued lap dog he is. I guess Master P figured out all you have to do is dangle a couple of buds in front of Snoop’s nose, and all the rapping and yardwork you want done is yours. "Nuthin’ But a G Thang" comes from the glory days of rap, before the video networks realized they should probably start censoring references to pot and guns, and when it was okay to be a misogynist rapper who pulls the bikini tops from unsuspecting women and sprays any bitch that turns him down with a healthy dose of beer. Okay, so it’s not Citizen Kane, but I’ll always drop everything I’m doing when it comes on. –AH 

     (****)  Let me creep to the mike like a phantom, and tell you how cool this is. Hands down, this is the greatest rap video of the '90s. That they only put it at number five on an R&B countdown insults me, and all you little g's out there should demand justice! Still, this is exactly what BET is good for -- they showed the video pretty much untouched, and didn't blur out anything, so we get the privilege of seeing the pot leaf on Snoop's hat and firearms aplenty. The video is a good day for Dre and Snoop, as the good Doctor goes to pick up his protégé, moving past his disapproving father, who asks when they plan to get jobs. "Yeah, then we can grow up to be just like you," he replies. Damn, I wouldn't take that! The video then proceeds to show us bouncin' deuce cads, fly hunnies, and a big ass slab of ribs. Compton and Long Beach, fool you know you're in trouble.--JW 

2. Michael Jackson - Thriller
     (**)  God damn it, when will this die? It's a big effort that doesn't go anywhere. Remember Will Shakespeare talking about "sound and fury, signifying nothing?" Well, that's "Thriller," to the bone. For all the zombies, Vincent Prince on pain medication doing the narration and end credits; this is a mediocre song, and a so-so video. Mike has done better on so many occasions, and if I were him I'd get this thing tossed into a dumpster and forgotten about. What makes me even more pissed off is that BET promised this wouldn't be the #1 video. Video is the key word here, folks. I have a dream, too, you know. A dream that one day, I'll never have to see this again. -JW 

1. Martin Luther King, Jr. – I Have a Dream (1963) 
     (****)  1963 was the year of Martin Luther King. He exploded on the scene with hit after hit, from his debut dance track "Da Front (Of Da Bus)" to the love ballad "Don’t Boycott My Heart," but this was King’s biggest hit and, for my money, his best video. Note the authentic black-and-white look of the period, and the tens of thousands of extras the record company hired for the shoot. And the choreographed dancing? Top-notch. The way King’s pecs glisten in the Southern sunlight, and the way he just plain makes love to the microphone. King was a video auteur cut down before his prime. Don’t even bother with the posthumous releases that feature old King tracks reworked by Puff Daddy and full of Eminem cameos. Go straight to the original masters… Okay, I couldn’t keep up that obnoxious conceptual shit much longer. The gist of it is, BET picked King’s "I Have a Dream" speech as its best video of the 20th century. Noble intentions, yes, but… um… this isn’t a video. This is a historical clip. MTV doesn’t put excerpts of old State of the Union addresses on TRL, although I wouldn’t mind seeing them there just for the hell of it. It just seems like an odd cop-out to me, a way to avoid listing "Thriller" as the inevitable best video of all time. –AH 
     (****)  I'm not touching this one with a 20-foot pole. --JW