MTV TOP 100 VIDEOS OF 1994 (#75-51)

75. R.E.M.--Bang and Blame  ** 
    Good song, bad video. A triple-screen presentation (Oh, great. As long as they're recycling old 50's horror movie gimmicks, why not show the video in Smell-O-Rama?) of the band singing the song (which features the romantic lyric "piss on me") on--drum roll please--a soundstage. 

74. Rolling Stones--Love is Strong  *** 
     Good video, but when are these guys just gonna give it up, huh? The only one that even realizes his true age is that dorky drummer. This time, the Stones are giants wandering the streets of the city, in a video officially subtitled "Jurassic Park II." As always, they're surrounded by women who are  thirty years younger than them. Of course, that's not to say I want to see music videos featuring scantily-clad women who have gone through menopause. Strictly VH-1 material. 

73. Warren G--Do You See  **1/2 
     Yes I do see, and I don't like. Usually, what happens is a good song is ruined by a lame video. Here, we see the reverse. This, the second flaccid follow-up to Warren's hit "Regulate," has Warren trying to drum up sympathy by  
complaining that we don't see what he sees everyday. What's that, bikini-clad groupies and million-dollar royalty checks? He also tells us that he grew up with Dr. Dre and Snoop Doggy Dogg. Oh no, of course he's not getting a free ride in the music industry. 

72. Meat Puppets--Backwater  **1/2 
     Good song, good video. But who the heck are the Meat Puppets?! 

71. Toni Braxton--Breathe Again  **1/2 
     R+B diva Braxton's second big hit. Guess what? She actually has long hair and small biceps in this one. Unfortunately, she spends the entire video wandering around a garden maze in a wedding dress. And they say  
music video directors are getting desperate for original ideas. 

70. Green Day--When I Come Around  1/2 
     Without a doubt, the most annoying group of 1994. This video, filmed from a live performance at Woodstock '94, proves once and for all the true intelligence of the lead singer, who even gives himself "the creeps." At the beginning, stoned audience members begin throwing muddy clods of sod (also the title of a Green Day song) onstage. The singer catches a clump and stuffs it in his mouth, announcing, "See, eating s--- won't kill you." True, but he never said anything about listening to it. 

69. Queen Latifah--U.N.I.T.Y.  **1/2 
     Latifah, from the FOX TV show "Living Single" (which is another review column entirely), takes the offense, complaining about this sexist world we live in (or maybe just she lives in). But please notice, Queen, how the MTV execs let all your PG-rated cuss words slide through, while censoring those of male rappers like Dr. Dre and Ice Cube. Not a joke, just an observation. I'm allowed to have those once in awhile, aren't I? 

68. Bruce Springsteen--Streets of Philadelphia  0    
     Springsteen, now officially as incoherent as Bob Dylan, walks down the street for four minutes, lip-synching this Oscar-winning theme from the movie Philadelphia, which was about a gay man dying of AIDS. Maybe I'd like the video more if I actually saw the movie. Of course, I'm still waiting to see that one with my boyfriend. 

67. Danzig--Mother '93  0 
     An absolutely intolerable metal concert video that would have fit in better in the late-80's, when shirtless guys with big hair were actually popular. 

66. TLC--Creep  *** 
     The R+B girl group whose condom outfits are apparently at the cleaners (either that or you can only wear  
them once) makes a strong comeback with this first single from their CrazySexyCool album. Add "incarcerated" to that list of adjectives, since Left-Eye, the "L" in TLC, is on trial for burning her boyfriend's house down. You know, that would make a good song ("Burning up, burning up for your love...") 

65. Counting Crows--Round Here  1/2 
     I absolutely can't stand this group. I'm still appalled that their crappy "Mr. Jones" song actually showed up on the charts, much less went into the Top 10. "Round Here," while just as amateurish and whiny as "Mr. Jones," at  
least has a slightly better video. The singer (one of the few white guys around with dreadlocks) has at least gotten himself on Prozac this time. In "Mr. Jones," he was lurching up and down uncontrollably, here we just wanders around on the railroad tracks. So where's an Amtrak when you really need it?! 

64. Soundgarden--Spoonman  *** 
    The first single from the Superunknown album, about a man who can make the most magical things happen with his spoons. Who says those alternative groups aren't afraid to get serious every once in a while? At least this time we don't have to watch the singer contort his face through the song. In "Spoonman," we get all still shots of the band, making it much more tolerable than "Fell on Black Days," and a lot of shots of the spoon guy, including a "spoon solo." I don't know about you, but I think alternative music could definitely use more spoon solos. 

63. Ice Cube--You Know How We Do It  **1/2 
    Another case of good song / mediocre video. Most of the shots show Cube driving his '64 around the empty Vegas strip or winning jackpots inside the casinos. Oh, so that's how he gets his money. I probably should have guessed Ice Cube wasn't a medical doctor ("Dr. Cube to  
the E.R. please"). 

62. Mariah Carey--Anytime You Need a Friend  *** 
    One of the hokiest songs in history with overly sappy lyrics. But, gosh darn it, how can any heterosexual male not like a Mariah Carey video? 

61. Cracker--Low  **1/2 
     Aptly-named white-trash alternative band Cracker's first single from their Kerosene Hat album. The lead singer is standing inside a boxing ring for most of the video (I wonder if any of these people have ever seen the L.L. Cool J. "Mama Said Knock You Out" video), while some woman drives her car around the city. Someone please tell me it isn't Sandra Bernhard. 

60. All-4-One--So Much in Love  *1/2 
     This song is a whole lot better than its #1 follow-up single "I Swear," but these guys are still a bunch of fags... excuse me, opposite-sex-impaired individuals. This  
remake is another R+B acapella tune, with the band harmonizing on an outdoor flight of stairs. I wonder if any of these people have ever seen the beginning of Shai's "Baby I'm Yours" video. 

59. Domino--Getto Jam  *** 
Domino - Getto Jam
     One-hit gangsta rappers with a jam that has nothing to do with ghettos and everything to do with baby-making. Maybe now you know why I gave it three stars. 
Domino - Getto Jam

58. Smashing Pumpkins--Rocket  ** 
     Good video + Bad song + Bad group = Two-star rating. Besides that, I've had a few people tell me on separate occasions that I look like the band's lead singer. I personally don't see the resemblance. Not only is this guy at his target weight, but he's also quite effeminate... Okay, so he's not  
completely unlike me. 

57. Crash Test Dummies--Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm  **1/2    
     The song title's a good stumper for Musical Hangman games (so long as no one guesses the letter "M"), from a one-hit Canadian group. The song itself doesn't make any sense, but the video's pretty good (Hence the two-and-a-half star rating). Sure, the Weird Al Yankovic parody video is a lot better, but MTV didn't see fit to include that one on their little countdown. Life stinks sometimes, doesn't it? 

56. Janet Jackson--Because of Love  ** 
     The only janet. video that doesn't include gratuitous sexual images, although shots of Janet's belly button aren't totally missing. Not coincidentally, "Because of Love" is also the most bland of the janet. videos. It's mostly filled with footage from Janet's janet. tour, with J. occasionally lip- 
synching on the side of the screen. 

55. The Breeders--Cannonball  ** 
     Good song from a one-hit alternative girl-group, but as you've probably already noticed, the women in alternative groups aren't nearly as glamorous or attractive as dance or pop divas. Courtney Love certainly proves that. 

54. R. Kelly--Bump 'N' Grind  0 
     You already know how I feel about this extremely horny, bald R+B singer. This song is just what you'd expect from Kelly, with pelvic gyrations that would make Elvis roll over in his grave. Someone get the firehose! Not just nasty, this video will make you want to join a monastery if you're not careful. 

53. Stone Temple Pilots--Creep  * 
     The Soundgarden theory proves true once again with this video from an alternative band whose songs aren't all that bad, but whose videos are most likely directed by Dr. Kervorkian himself. This time, the disturbed singer sits at a  
kitchen table in a flannel shirt and cowboy hat, singing over and over "I'm half the man I used to be." I understand John Bobbitt was also singing that song in 1994. 

52. Coolio--I Remember  *** 
     Probably the best new rapper of 1994, but then again you know what the competition's like. Coolio is on-target once again with this follow-up to the hugely successful  
"Fantastic Voyage" (#8 on the countdown). Here Coolio goes for more 70's nostalgia, rapping about Starsky and Hutch, the Bee Gees and others that will hardly be missed. 

51. Madonna--Secret  **1/2 
     When I said Madonna still looks pretty good in her videos, I naturally didn't mean this one. Here, she looks pretty bad, with cleavage down to her ankles. She roams the streets of Harlem, putting her hands all over black guys. I've heard hundreds of variations on the joke about all the secrets Madonna has. You want to know her secret--she's overexposed (in more ways than one). Gee, I remember the good old days, when Madonna could at least wear a bra, stick to one hair color a month and fool the world into thinking she really had a mole on her upper lip. 

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