75. R.E.M.--Bang and Blame
Good song, bad video. A
presentation (Oh, great. As long as they're recycling old 50's horror
gimmicks, why not show the video in Smell-O-Rama?) of the band singing
the song (which features the romantic lyric "piss on me") on--drum roll
74. Rolling Stones--Love is
Good video, but when
are these guys just gonna give it up, huh? The only one that even realizes
his true age is that dorky drummer. This time, the Stones are giants
the streets of the city, in a video officially subtitled "Jurassic Park
II." As always, they're surrounded by women who are thirty
years younger than them. Of course, that's not to say I want to see music
videos featuring scantily-clad women who have gone through menopause.
73. Warren G--Do You See
Yes I do see, and I
don't like. Usually, what happens is a good song is ruined by a lame
Here, we see the reverse. This, the second flaccid follow-up to Warren's
hit "Regulate," has Warren trying to drum up sympathy
complaining that we don't see what he sees
What's that, bikini-clad groupies and million-dollar royalty checks? He
also tells us that he grew up with Dr. Dre and Snoop Doggy Dogg. Oh no,
of course he's not getting a free ride in the music industry.
Good song, good video.
But who the heck are the Meat Puppets?!
71. Toni Braxton--Breathe
R+B diva Braxton's
big hit. Guess what? She actually has long hair and small biceps in this
one. Unfortunately, she spends the entire video wandering around a garden
maze in a wedding dress. And they say
music video directors are getting desperate for
70. Green Day--When I Come
Without a doubt, the
most annoying group of 1994. This video, filmed from a live performance
at Woodstock '94, proves once and for all the true intelligence of the
lead singer, who even gives himself "the creeps." At the beginning, stoned
audience members begin throwing muddy clods of sod (also the title of a
Green Day song) onstage. The singer catches a clump and stuffs it in his
mouth, announcing, "See, eating s--- won't kill you." True, but he never
said anything about listening to it.
Latifah, from the FOX
TV show "Living Single" (which is another review column entirely), takes
the offense, complaining about this sexist world we live in (or maybe just
she lives in). But please notice, Queen, how the MTV execs let all your
PG-rated cuss words slide through, while censoring those of male rappers
like Dr. Dre and Ice Cube. Not a joke, just an observation. I'm allowed
to have those once in awhile, aren't I?
68. Bruce Springsteen--Streets of
as incoherent as Bob Dylan, walks down the street for four minutes,
this Oscar-winning theme from the movie Philadelphia, which was
about a gay man dying of AIDS. Maybe I'd like the video more if I actually
saw the movie. Of course, I'm still waiting to see that one with my
67. Danzig--Mother '93
metal concert video that would have fit in better in the late-80's, when
shirtless guys with big hair were actually popular.
The R+B girl group
condom outfits are apparently at the cleaners (either that or you can only
them once) makes a strong comeback with this
first single from their CrazySexyCool album. Add "incarcerated"
to that list of adjectives, since Left-Eye, the "L" in TLC, is on trial
for burning her boyfriend's house down. You know, that would make a good
song ("Burning up, burning up for your love...")
65. Counting Crows--Round
I absolutely can't
this group. I'm still appalled that their crappy "Mr. Jones" song actually
showed up on the charts, much less went into the Top 10. "Round Here,"
while just as amateurish and whiny as "Mr. Jones," at
least has a slightly better video. The singer
(one of the few white guys around with dreadlocks) has at least gotten
himself on Prozac this time. In "Mr. Jones," he was lurching up and down
uncontrollably, here we just wanders around on the railroad tracks. So
where's an Amtrak when you really need it?!
The first single from the
Superunknown album, about a man who can make the most magical
happen with his spoons. Who says those alternative groups aren't afraid
to get serious every once in a while? At least this time we don't have
to watch the singer contort his face through the song. In "Spoonman," we
get all still shots of the band, making it much more tolerable than "Fell
on Black Days," and a lot of shots of the spoon guy, including a "spoon
solo." I don't know about you, but I think alternative music could
use more spoon solos.
63. Ice Cube--You Know How We
Do It **1/2
case of good song / mediocre video. Most of the shots show Cube driving
his '64 around the empty Vegas strip or winning jackpots inside the
Oh, so that's how he gets his money. I probably should have guessed Ice
Cube wasn't a medical doctor ("Dr. Cube to
the E.R. please").
62. Mariah Carey--Anytime You
Need a Friend ***
of the hokiest songs in history with overly sappy lyrics. But, gosh darn
it, how can any heterosexual male not like a Mariah Carey
alternative band Cracker's first single from their Kerosene Hat
album. The lead singer is standing inside a boxing ring for most of the
video (I wonder if any of these people have ever seen the L.L. Cool J.
"Mama Said Knock You Out" video), while some woman drives her car around
the city. Someone please tell me it isn't Sandra Bernhard.
60. All-4-One--So Much in
This song is a whole
lot better than its #1 follow-up single "I Swear," but these guys are
a bunch of fags... excuse me, opposite-sex-impaired individuals.
remake is another R+B acapella tune, with the
band harmonizing on an outdoor flight of stairs. I wonder if any of these
people have ever seen the beginning of Shai's "Baby I'm Yours"
59. Domino--Getto Jam
One-hit gangsta rappers
with a jam that has nothing to do with ghettos and everything to do with
baby-making. Maybe now you know why I gave it three stars.
Good video + Bad song
+ Bad group = Two-star rating. Besides that, I've had a few people tell
me on separate occasions that I look like the band's lead singer. I
don't see the resemblance. Not only is this guy at his target weight, but
he's also quite effeminate... Okay, so he's not
completely unlike me.
57. Crash Test Dummies--Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm **1/2
The song title's a good
stumper for Musical Hangman games (so long as no one guesses the letter
"M"), from a one-hit Canadian group. The song itself doesn't make any
but the video's pretty good (Hence the two-and-a-half star rating). Sure,
the Weird Al Yankovic parody video is a lot better, but MTV didn't see
fit to include that one on their little countdown. Life stinks sometimes,
56. Janet Jackson--Because of
video that doesn't include gratuitous sexual images,
although shots of Janet's belly button aren't totally missing. Not
"Because of Love" is also the most bland of the janet. videos. It's
mostly filled with footage from Janet's janet. tour, with J.
synching on the side of the screen.
Good song from a
alternative girl-group, but as you've probably already noticed, the women
in alternative groups aren't nearly as glamorous or attractive as dance
or pop divas. Courtney Love certainly proves that.
54. R. Kelly--Bump 'N'
You already know how
I feel about this extremely horny, bald R+B singer. This song is just what
you'd expect from Kelly, with pelvic gyrations that would make Elvis roll
over in his grave. Someone get the firehose! Not just nasty, this video
will make you want to join a monastery if you're not careful.
53. Stone Temple
The Soundgarden theory
proves true once again with this video from an alternative band whose
aren't all that bad, but whose videos are most likely directed by Dr.
himself. This time, the disturbed singer sits at a
kitchen table in a flannel shirt and cowboy hat,
singing over and over "I'm half the man I used to be." I understand John
Bobbitt was also singing that song in 1994.
52. Coolio--I Remember
Probably the best new
rapper of 1994, but then again you know what the competition's like.
is on-target once again with this follow-up to the hugely
"Fantastic Voyage" (#8 on the countdown). Here
Coolio goes for more 70's nostalgia, rapping about Starsky and Hutch, the
Bee Gees and others that will hardly be missed.
When I said Madonna
still looks pretty good in her videos, I naturally didn't mean this one.
Here, she looks pretty bad, with cleavage down to her ankles. She roams
the streets of Harlem, putting her hands all over black guys. I've heard
hundreds of variations on the joke about all the secrets Madonna has. You
want to know her secret--she's overexposed (in more ways than one). Gee,
I remember the good old days, when Madonna could at least wear a bra,
to one hair color a month and fool the world into thinking she really had
a mole on her upper lip.