MTV TOP 100 VIDEOS OF 1994 (#50-26)

50. Live--I Alone  * 
     Not a bad song, but any video featuring a shirtless bald guy rubbing his chest has got to go. 

49. Ini Kamoze--Here Comes the Hotstepper  **1/2 
Ini Kamoze--Here Comes the Hotstepper
     An old #551 bus tune before it became a big hit. This reggae/rap song comes from an over-sized Jamaican who is probably a refugee from the group Inner Circle ["Bad Boys" (Theme from "COPS" [A FOX TV show] ) ]. Obviously, this guy isn't going to be a pillar of longevity on the music scene, but this is still a good "Land of 1,000 Dances" rip-off, featured in the upcoming high-fashion movie Pret-a-Porter. 

48. Babyface--When Can I See You  *1/2 
     The phrase "Baby's Bottom" would more likely apply to this guy, who comes from the "Act like a wuss in order to get chicks" school of thought. I've tried this myself on occasion, but it never works. Oh, I've got the wuss part down, but the chicks still keep their distance. 

47. Guns 'N' Roses--Estranged  1/2 
Guns 'N' Roses--Estranged
     A big-budget production that makes no sense at all, with singer Axl Rose being pursued by the cops, taking a shower fully-clothed, watching a dolphin on TV, taking a drive up a giant hill in a limo and, finally, swimming in the ocean with a bunch of dolphins, where as far as I'm concerned, he can stay (just make sure the label on the can says "Axl-safe tuna"). This one goes on way too long. 
Guns 'N' Roses--Estranged

46. Us3--Cantaloop  ** 
     Decidedly generic video rendering of the huge dance hit. That's all. 

45. Tom Petty--You Don't Know How It Feels  *** 
     That Tom Petty is just a big dork. However, this video has grown on me (that's right, it's taken root in my chest and is currently in bloom) since the first time I saw it. It's probably the only video where the singer stands in front of the camera while the background rotates. Another interesting sidenote--A line in the song reading "Let's roll another joint" is censored on the MTV version. Instead, the word "joint" is reversed, so now he's rolling tnioj's. The interesting thing is in the video Petty actually mouths the word "tnioj" instead of "joint." Or maybe I was just high on anuajiram when I saw this. 

44. Ace of Base--Don't Turn Around  **1/2 
     The group everyone loves to hate. Hey, I hate them so much I bought the CD. "Don't Turn Around," the third video from The Sign, has the group languishing around some tropical paradise. As usual, the two guys in the group just stand around looking stupid while the girls sing, a solid  
blow for both feminism and the mandatory castration of European men. 

43. Alice in Chains--No Excuses  *1/2 
     The person responsible for this one definitely doesn't have any excuses. Yet another good song-bad video combo. Watching Alice is definitely no Wonderland for me. 
     [Okay, so I trashed a perfectly good video. Give me a break, I was 16.] 

42. Toni Braxton--You Mean the World to Me  *** 
     One of the most ridiculously overplayed songs of the second half of 1994, with a frighteningly buff Braxton lounging around her "S.S. Seaduced" houseboat. There's just something not quite right about a woman with shorter hair and bigger biceps than her male co-star. She needs to get on the old Michael Jackson Estrogen pills. 

41. Gin Blossoms--Found Out About You  ** 
     A great song, but another low-budget video from the Gin boys. From the "Incessant Strobe Lights Mean Entertainment" school of philosophy. 

40. Snoop Doggy Dogg and the Dogg Pound Featuring the  Dramatics--Doggy Dogg World  ***1/2 
     A rare treat from the Doggman, in another '70s-nostalgia video, with the old R+B group the Dramatics harmonizing in the background. Fortunately, Snoop doesn't do too much rapping here, preferring to stand back and act like a pimp  
instead, while various Dogg Pound members take the mic. After a single heavily-censored verse (I have to admit I've never heard so many creative noises for covering up cuss words), Snoop pretty much disappears from the video, which definitely works out in our favor. Directed by Dr. Dre, this video also features some dance floor action  
from Rerun of the 70's blaxploitation sit-com "What's Happening!" No way around it, "Doggy Dogg World" is a great video. 

39. Bon Jovi--Always  * 
     Bon Jovi really should have stayed in the 80's. None of his stuff in this decade has been any good (remember that "Bed of Roses" crap?), especially this loud, annoying  
ballad and it's equally annoying video, with its overall false dramatism (You know, I have no idea what I was saying there, but it sounds pretty good, doesn't it?). The mystery over why anyone went out and bought the single for this song may also explain why ACT scores have been  
dropping lately. 

38. Cranberries--Zombie  *** 
     At least this one doesn't look like it came out of the mid-80's, but it's still a little too weird for my personal consumption. And that Irish lead-singer still sounds like a  
bleating goat (that reminds me, has anyone seen Sinead O'Connor lately?). Now she looks like a cross between Cleopatra and a victim of Goldfinger, meaning she's covered head to toe in gold paint. An interesting and original video, though it does remind me of the R.E.M. "Losing My Religion" video. 

37. Big Mountain--Baby I Love Your Way  *1/2 
     Another needless remake of the Peter Frampton 70's hit, which was pretty needless in its own right. Also, another group with a white, dreadlocked lead singer. Come to think of it, have you ever seen the singer from Big Mountain and the Counting Crows singer together? At the Pathetic Loser Awards Banquet, maybe? 

36. Stone Temple Pilots--Interstate Love Song  **1/2 
     Yes, even I will admit this is a good song, but once again, the band looks like a bunch of hicks (no offense, Andrew). The singer is decked out in a flannel shirt and cowboy hat, and also featured is a man with a huge nose. Shades of Cyrano What's-His-Name, eh? 

35. Mariah Carey--Without You  *1/2 
     I'm sorry, but I can't let any personal attractions to the artist get in the way of this review, especially since here, Mariah is decked out in a shapeless black outfit in a one-shot concert performance. Sure, she's a great singer and this is a great song, but give me the "Dreamlover" video anyday. 

34. Ice Cube--Bop Gun  *** 
     The infamous video where Cube holds up four fingers and says "1993." Other than that, it's a good rap/house party video, with Mr. Cube getting a little help from  
Funkadelic mother George Clinton, whose song "One Nation Under a Groove" is generously sampled here, and scores of bikini-clad females. Sure, people wear bikinis to indoor parties all the time. What, don't tell me I'm the only one?! 

33. Nirvana--About a Girl (unplugged)  1/2 
     I liked Nirvana and all, but this was a terrible last video to leave behind. The video for "About a Girl" consists of Kurt Cobain in his grandpa's sweater, wheezing his way through another incoherent song. This one deserves to be six feet under. 

32. All-4-One--I Swear  * 
    While the song itself became somewhat listenable after the second five thousand times I heard it (that day), the group is way too unattractive to make the video watchable. They don't even use the age-old trick of inserting scores of  
scantily-clad females to disguise their own inadequacies. For a good example of that, see #34. 

31. Collective Soul--Shine  *** 
     These guys aren't that attractive either, but they did manage to disguise their inadequacies with various camera tricks instead of scores of scantily-clad females (How soon until you get completely sick of the phrase "scores of  
scantily-clad females"?). Still, we all know Collective Soul will never make it through 1995, but then again, neither will I. 

30. Warren G.--This D.J.  **1/2 
     Here's a little-known fact: Warren G. is only a part-time rapper. During the day, he drives a charter bus (His name is actually pronounced "Warn G."). How does he make such a miraculous appearance transition every day, you ask? Lots and lots of shoe polish. "This D.J." is the heavily-edited "Regulate" follow-up, worse than "Regulate" but better than "Do You See." If he keeps this up, his fourth single's really going to stink. 

29. Sheryl Crow--All I Wanna Do  *** 
 The single most overplayed song of the year, from a fellow Missourian who also went to Mizzou. Let's just hope she doesn't forget her roots now that she's famous. So, Sheryl, come on up to the house sometime. The lock on the basement door is broken, so just let yourself in. The rest of you, forget I told you about the lock on the basement door being broken. 

28. Stone Temple Pilots--Vaseline  **1/2 
     Typical STP incoherence and overall weirdness, but at least there are no flannel shirts or cowboy hats this time. 

27. Boyz II Men--On Bended Knee  ** 
     "On Bended Knee" as opposed to what, "On Decapitated Head"? This is a much more tolerable song, though, than "I'll Make Love to You," and won't give you nightmares afterward, but these Boyz are really starting to get on my nervz. I'm starting to wish "End of the Road" had been the end of the road for them. 

26. Aerosmith--Crazy  ***1/2 
Aerosmith -- Crazy
     A double dose of voyeurism a teenage male like myself couldn't possibly pass up, as singer Steven Tyler's own 16-year-old daughter, Liv, joins regular 16-year-old Aerosmith video girl Alicia Silverstone (ask for her by name). Hey, guess what. I'm 16 too (Alicia and Liv, come on up to the house sometime. The lock on the basement door is broken, so just let yourself in). Not that I have a chance with either of these girls, who, over the course of the video, cut class from Catholic school to shoplift from a convenience store, pose for some pornographic photos in an instant photo booth (and guess who has the negatives!), win an "Amateur Nite" contest at the local strip club, pick up a farm boy they've never met for an afternoon of skinny-dipping, after which they steal his clothes and make him run nude behind the car (of course, the nudity part is implied. MTV still has some values... Yes, I realize that last sentence didn't fool anyone). You know, I still haven't gotten my clothes back from that! A great video. Be sure to watch this one with a close family member, particularly a parent or grand-parent. So why didn't I give it four stars? "Crazy" is such a stupid song! 
Aerosmith -- Crazy

Copyright 1999 Apartment Y Productions