Yeah, I agree. This
guy is a loser, and a one-hit loser at that. In the vein of Offspring's
"Self Esteem," Beck goes for the self-degradation thing (Lord knows I'd
never do that),
quoting the memorable line "I'm a loser, baby,
so why don't you kill me?" His career is certainly dead now.
Kurt Cobain heard this song on his last day on earth and misinterpreted
the lyric as "You're a loser, baby, so why don't you kill yourself." I
think we all know what happened after that.
24. Salt-N-Pepa--None of Your
the most explicit video of the year, rivaled only by the other Salt-N-Pepa
songs "Whatta Man" and "Shoop." Okay, I know "Shoop" was out in '93, but
for the sake of bad humor, overlook that fact. "None of Your Business"
is also the dirtiest video of the year, with Salt, Pepa and Spinderella
writhing in the mud (the Gorgeous Ladies of Rap--G.L.O.R. for short). Rest
assured that this is artistic smut, just like Salt and Pepa are artistic
23. Offspring--Come Out and Play
(Keep 'Em Separated) **1/2
The predecessor to
other Smash hit "Self Esteem." Even though it's not a bad pair of
songs, we all know that Offspring is just a garage band whose members will
go back to their old jobs as pool boys and car mechanics sometime in 1995.
Come to think of it, this video does look like it was shot in a garage
somewhere, although it's filled with enough camera tricks and what-not
to keep the drab set from
looking too bad.
22. Lisa Loeb and Nine
(I MissedYou) ***
(and pretty soon back to rags) story. Loeb was a nightclub folk singer
who got a big break when "Stay" was included on the Reality Bites
soundtrack and an even bigger break when the song reached the Top 5. The
video, directed by Reality Bites director Ethan Hawke, is a
one-camera deal, with Loeb wandering around a loft apartment, popping on
and off-screen at
various times. She looks strange yet still
a weird charm, but those horn-rimmed tortoise-shell glasses have to
21. Snoop Doggy Dogg--Murder
Was the Case ***
epic big-budget Dr. Dre directed video where Snoop gets shot (you can't
argue with that sentiment), makes a deal with the devil (I knew it!), ends
up in a wheelchair, is carted off to jail, then actually dies. The problem
is the song's really stupid, with lines like "I can't die, my boo-boo's
about to have my baby" and "I gots nowhere to gizzo." Besides that, Snoop
takes himself a little too seriously. Like the world really would care
if he was shot and killed.
20. R.E.M.--What's the
video Rock's Embarrassment Makers, with singer Michael Stipe bouncing
the stage. This video's only redeeming features are overuse of the strobe
light and weird camera angles.
19. Counting Crows--Mr.
The video put on
rotation in hell. Absolutely the worst song, video and group of the year,
with the dread-locked singer lurching uncontrollably around an apartment.
Shoot, not even Hitler would force someone to
18. Green Day--Longview
The best of the
trilogy, but that's still not saying much. Also, the song's lyrics caused
a little controversy this year, as "Longview" is about a rather "touchy"
subject (Let's just say it's been officially endorsed by Jocelyn Elders).
Note to all future Green Day video directors: Leaving the band out of the
video entirely would help a lot!
17. Janet Jackson--Any Time,
Any Place **1/2
Belly buttons galore
as Janet fantasizes about the next-door neighbor and his pet chimp. Oh
my God, it's Michael! The most raunchy of the six janet. videos,
the kind of thing you'd see on Cinemax around midnight.
16. Candlebox--Far Behind
The first successful
group to come off Madonna's Maverick record label. Say, you don't think
all the guys in the band slept with the Big M, do you? In the "Far
video, the band takes over an empty farmhouse,
with weirdness ensuing. Not very good, but after watching 75 other videos
in one day, it would take pretty much to impress me.
15. Beastie Boys--Sabotage
And this is just the
thing, too. In a parody of 70's cop shows, the Beasties race around town,
righting various wrongs and ensuring an unlimited supply of jelly donuts
for all cops (not to mention bad jokes for all "Year in
14. Ace of Base--The Sign
Runner-up for the most
overplayed song of 1994, also a decent dance video. Instead of standing
around looking stupid, the guys in the group spend their time here making
out with the girls. Even worse. Those girls need to
the losers and hang out with someone with three
digits in his I.Q. and waistline. I can think of one such
13. Tom Petty and the
Jane's Last Dance ***1/2
song (after "Free Fallin'")
and favorite Petty video. Quirky morgue worker
Petty steals Kim Basinger's dead body and tries all sorts of tricks to
revive her. Of course, if he did bring her back to life, the sight of
goofy face would be enough to scare her back to death anyway. Tom finally
gives up and tosses Kim's lifeless body into the ocean, where she and
Cobain live (die?) happily ever
12. Stone Temple Pilots--Big
Empty (unplugged) 1/2
The song title, of
refers to the state of the lead singer's head. One of the absolute worst
good song/bad video combos. If they had to put an STP video in the Top
15, they should have at least gone with "Interstate Love Song" or
(also officially endorsed by Jocelyn Elders) instead of this
video from "MTV
Unplugged," where the singer sings from a
chair for four minutes. No thanks.
11. Warren G. Featuring Nate
"G Funk" rap song from
the movie Above the Rim, with plenty of Above the Rim clips
we didn't ask to see mixed in with G. and Dogg pretty much acting out the
song's lyrics. It's a good video but nothing outstanding.
That it is. You just
can't go wrong with an Aerosmith video, especially one with Alicia
This one has a computer nerd (no, his name isn't Andrew) accessing a
reality fantasy scenario with Alicia submitting to
his every request. Just out of curiosity, how
much do these virtual reality computers cost, anyway? I'm asking for a
friend, of course. My personal pick for video of the year, but I think
you know that's not my brain talking.
Once again that
freak who looks nothing like me works his way through another lame video.
Did I mention HE LOOKS NOTHING LIKE ME?
One of those beach
rap songs with hundreds of bikini-clad babes. Of course, half the video
involves a huge group of people climbing out of Coolio's trunk one by one
while C. stands by watching. Be sure to catch the beginning and end of
this one (you can change the channel during the
7. Nirvana--All Apologies
bland unplugged performance from Kurt, who digs himself a grave of
Better than the "About a Girl" unplugged video (#33), since it was a good
song originally. Close your eyes during this one and it won't be so
6. Offspring--Self Esteem
The other (and better)
loser anthem of 1994, "Self Esteem" is another good video from the
although for my money, it could have used a few less closeups of the girl
with the headgear boogeying around. Those damn strobe lights are starting
to give me a headache.
5. Salt-N-Pepa Featuring En
This video can be
up in one word: Lapdancing. Rap giants Salt-N-Pepa team up with R+B giants
En Vogue to pay homage to the great men of the world (namely me). This
guy they rap about is perfect, which causes a few twinges of skepticism
on my part. Supposing there really is a brother out there that matches
that criteria, my question is, what would he be doing in a relationship
with tramps like Salt and Pepa, who are usually all over multiple topless
beefcakes in their videos? In their now-famous song "Shoop," they're brag
about illicit sexual encounters with guys they just met. And with other
songs like "Push It," "Work It," "Pump It" and various other its, what
kind of mother would Salt and Pepa make for Whatta Man's kids? Besides,
it's been medically proven that Salt is bad for your heart and Pepa causes
you to sneeze uncontrollably.
4. Soundgarden--Black Hole
Without a doubt, the
weirdest video of 1994 (if not all-time). I won't even try to explain this
one, but I'm pretty sure if I watch it again, it could be fatal. If you
can figure any meaning to this video, I'd like the name of your
3. Snoop Doggy Dogg--Gin and
Another great Dr.
Snoop Doggy Dogg video, this one a "Home Boy Alone" house-party, featuring
Dre himself, who drops off some "bubonic chronic." As Tom Petty would say,
"let's roll another tnioj."
2. Boyz II Men--I'll Make Love
to You *
I lost all respect for
the music industry when this miserable "horny anthem" went to #1 for 14
weeks (which, if I'm not mistaken, is one of the signs of the Apocalypse).
Its video is even worse, with one of the boyz poring
an anonymous note to the girl he wants to make
love to. What's the world coming to?
1. Green Day--Basket Case
Another sign of the
Apocalypse (which itself would be more pleasant than watching this video),
as Green Day walks away with the #1 video of the year. Their songs aren't
so bad (in fact, this one is kind of catchy), but that lead singer is way
off-balance. The video is aptly set in a mental hospital, with the band
cast as patients. I wish this whole scenario had just been a set-up by
the record company to lock the band away for good, but as of yet they're
still walking the streets. The fact that this song made #1 on the "Top
100 Videos of 1994" countdown is a complete travesty. As if the MTV
was based on any sort of chart data anyway.