Jesse Camp – See You Around
     (zero)  Kurt Loder introduces this video. Figures. He tells us Jesse and his band were expelled for failing to abide by the dress code, specifically the part that says students must wash their hair at least once a month. "See You Around" falls into that long-forgotten musical subgenre – the "I ain’t goin’ to school no more" video. So what does he do? He fucking goes to school, taunting the teacher, playing in the gym and skateboarding down the hall. How novelty is this? A few 3 a.m. airings to fulfill their contractual agreements and you’ll never see this on MTV again. You know, as a singer, Jesse is about as good as he is as a veejay. He barely squawks out his lines, his hair is a cross between Joan Jett and Coolio, and he half-talks. If this guy even sells one record, I’m retiring from my position as music consumer. --AH
     (zero)  Every once in a while, a video comes along that sucks in so many ways, you almost appreciate it. The funny part is, Kurt Loder (who introduces the video as an MTV news segment) and I both know this is a joke, but Jesse is surely convinced this is the beginning of his great career, which will bring metal out of the ashes, like the proverbial phoenix. Heh, yeah. He’s a lot like that NFL seventh-round draft pick that thinks he’ll have a great career. In the video, Jesse is too messed up to go to school, and is better off for staying home with his buds. He tries to rock out and present a Robert Smith-esque image, while accomplishing neither. This is without a doubt the most self-indulgent thing that MTV has ever allowed, and that includes the existence of Pauly Shore. –James Wallace

Whitney Houston – It’s Not Right But It’s Okay
     (**)  The second video in Whitney’s round of attempted badassery, "It’s Not Right" has Whitney falling into the current trend of shiny black dominatrix clothing and way too much makeup. When will this trend end? Everyone in this video is wearing black, the background is black, the dancers are black. Well, that’s not much of a surprise, but there are better ways of creating a visual motif. By the end, the lights come up and a gallery of beautiful women sing the chorus with her, letting Bobby and the rest of the evil men know it’s not right, but it’s okay. Whatever that means. The production on this song, like "Heartbreak Hotel," is syncopated and sparse, but it only ends up sounding like a bad remix version of the typical Whitney ballad. --AH

Wyclef Jean f/Refugee All Stars – Guantanamera
     (***)  Wyclef gets bailed out of prison so he can wander Spanish Harlem and ogle a hot girl. It’s not a bad day for a rapper. What’s even stranger, Wyclef doesn’t seem out of place brandishing his acoustic guitar on the streets with a bunch of old Mexicans, walking across the bar sideways and eventually walking out with the divine Miss Guantanamera. Toward the three-minute mark, Lauryn Hill leans out an upstairs window and raps down on a street parade before Wyclef gets thrown through a plate glass window. Like I said, not a bad day. --AH

Baz Luhrmann – Everybody’s Free (to wear sunscreen)
     (zero)  I’m still appalled by this video, now even more so. I thought this was done by a no-talent nobody who recorded it on a shoestring budget and may have even hoodwinked the world of MTV. Oh, no. This video comes to us from the director of Romeo and Juliet, the Leo version. That makes sense. It was written by a newspaper columnist as a mock graduation speech. That makes sense. It was an Internet e-mail hoax disguised as a speech from Kurt Vonnegut. That makes sense. What doesn’t make sense to me is why anyone is taking this seriously. One of my best friends, whom I thought used to have impeccable taste, loves this song. I think it’s bullshit. The only line I agree with, for the sake of everyone involved, is, "Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much." --AH
     (zero)  Somebody I actually respected tried to convince me that the message of this video was entirely positive. Maybe so, but I mean, Good God. Nobody should be this presumptuous, especially now that I know the circumstances surrounding the video. Besides which, if you don’t already know all of this, you need to rent a clue. Here’s a quarter. --JW

Ricky Martin – Livin’ La Vida Loca
     (*1/2)  Part Jon Secada, part Brian Setzer, Ricky Martin gets the VH1 "Inside Track" Artist of the Month award. Inexplicably, MTV has also picked it as Buzzworthy. A former Menudo member-turned-pop sensation, Martin has sold six million albums in Mexico. And just about every girl I know thinks this guy is hot as hell. Sounds like someone’s been drinking the water… The video looks just like Brian Setzer’s "Jump, Jive and Wail," except our protagonist is Mexican and wears leather pants. He grinds with some hot girls, one of whom straddles his lap as he drives his convertible around the wet city streets. Any video that duplicates the ill-begotten sex scene from The Chase can never hope to get more than a star and a half out of me. --AH
     (*)  I knew who this was before the credits came on. That’s one of the side effects of watching MTV and it’s ilk for several hours a day. The government should force them to put a warning on its broadcast. Something in the nature of, "Warning: You won’t be able to get this crap out of your head." Of course, that’s about a half-second after I figure out it’s not "Jump, Jive and Wail" by Brian Setzer. Apparently, the set hadn’t been torn down yet, so Ricky said, "What the hell?" Oh, I’m sorry, he actually said "Que el Diablo?" Not to force him to speak English or anything. Ever since Ricky was kicked out of Menudo for the sin of turning 15, he’s been sitting down in Mexico, planning his revenge. This is it. Hmm, cute, blond Latino guy in leather pants makes a video. I don’t suppose that’s a marketing ploy, do you? Hello, you fucking tool! It’s a good thing I’m not there, or I’d give you a vida slapa upside your heada. --JW

Sarah McLachlan – Building a Mystery
     (***)  I wonder if Sarah knew what she’d start when she put this song out. Chick folk would never be the same, the world would never view the world "Lilith" the same way and Paula Cole would never shave her underarms again. But "Building a Mystery" isn’t earth-shattering; it’s just an all-around solid pop song and video, and it comes from the days before she turned into a gerbil. Lushly photographed, it enhances McLachlan’s natural beauty, supplementing that with shots of the "beautiful fucked-up man" she has this love-hate relationship with. There are plenty of self-constructed walls and doors, too, but I’m not going to try to analyze the meaning behind those. I don’t have to. --AH
     (***½)  In this video, Sarah, contrary to everybody’s belief, makes her "get a life" statement against sandal-wearing mysticism. She drips with feminine mystique and a simple beauty that hasn’t been seen since then. Not to say that I’m not still in love with her and wouldn’t be her slave, or course. I wonder how many people miss the fact that she’s making fun of this pagan wannabe the entire video. The lighting is great, and the pinhole lights and smoke make her all the more alluring. --JW

Metallica – Whiskey in a Jar
     (**)  Following hot on the heels of Guns-N-Roses’ smash album, The Spaghetti Incident, Metallica releases a collection of remakes, including this white-trash anthem. The band plays a house party for a group of good-looking, drunken women who appear to be stuck in the year 1988. That’s okay, so is Metallica. As Lars and the boys jam out, the girls head two by two into the upstairs bedrooms, where they enter the sandman, if you know what I mean. Later, there’s vomiting and a general trashing of the apartment. No night with Metallica would be complete without either. Two stars, because this video is a lot more fun than Metallica usually seems to let itself have. It’s much better to just give in to your cheerful, redneck roots. --AH
     (**½)  Why is Metallica playing in a house full of big-haired, white-trash lesbians? Why not? It’s a big lesbian vomit party, and Metallica has sent out invitations to us all, RSVP. Metallica (who have never before seemed as much a hillbilly band) plays for the ladies while they drink and "show each other the upstairs" if you know what I mean. It all "climaxes" in a big lesbian pillow fight, followed by a general trashing of the apartment, which Lars and his gang are invited to join in on. That makes sense, because they have been playing like a bunch of pussies lately. --JW

Jennifer Paige – Crush

     (**)  Oh, it’s just a little crush. We all know that. This girl came along before the glut of sugar pop really came on hard. Consequently, I don’t hate this song as much as most of the other crap that’s been passed off on us in the last four or five months. And I simply loved its placement in the Simply Irresistable trailer. The "Crush" video features the old standbys of bad pop – the singer on a huge tree swing, the singer driving around in a convertible, the singer putting her arms around a rented Calvin Klein model. It’s so malignant it’s benign. --AH

R.E.M. – At My Most Beautiful
      (*)  After about 15 years of brooding alternapop, R.E.M. finally succumbs with this video from the Never Been Kissed soundtrack. You know what? Michael Stipe has never been kissed, either – by a woman. And that’s his fucking problem. The "Most Beautiful" video, a blue-and-white masterpiece, has Stipe sitting around an empty house. What’s he doing? Yeah, he’s brooding. Meanwhile, people run down the street, falling on their face. They’re all just miserable, and they look like they’ve been transplanted directly from the "Everybody Hurts" video. I count myself in those numbers whenever this one comes on. --AH

1,000 Clowns – Not the Greatest Rapper
     (*)  You got that right, honky. --AH

Shania Twain – That Don’t Impress Me Much
     (**)  This don’t impress me much. I’ve reviewed three Shania Twain videos now, and they’ve all gotten two stars out of me. No more, no less. Clad in all-leopard skin (bra, coat, hat, collar, pants and overnight bag), she wanders the desert while a motorcycle stud circles her and she tries to hitchhike with a guy driving an oil tanker. All the while, she talks about how some fictional man’s attributes just don’t measure up ("So you’re Brad Pitt / That don’t impress me much"). Oh, there’s the requisite black horse. This must be a country video. --AH
     (**)  Why does Shania insist on dressing like some kind of villainess from the old "Batman" television series? In this one, I think she would be called "The Leopard Woman." It’d be like one of those episodes where they couldn’t get Eartha Kitt to come back one more time. Oh, while we’re on the subject of dress – you’ve got an awesome-looking stomach, Shania. We get the point, now try a shirt that fits. This whole thing is an entirely-forgettable "okay" country video masquerading as VH1 pop. Let’s do the list of things that don’t turn Shania on: brains, looks, cars, coolness. Those won’t keep her warm in the middle of the night. Apparently, all she really wants is a good shagging. "What, do you think you’re Elvis or something?" No, Shania, do you think you’re a diva or something? That don’t impress me much… --JW
 

Classic Videos

Mariah Carey – Dreamlover (1993)
     (***1/2)  Mariah was the farm girl from heaven in this video, wearing tied-off flannel and Daisy Duks and frolicking in the fields with some very out-of-place b-boys. Yes, the whole thing is choreographed, but it seems so much more genuine than the R+B crap Mariah puts out now. It doesn’t hurt that she runs that flower over her lips every chance she gets and eventually ends up swimming in the creek. Hell, this entire video is a wet dream waiting to happen. Me likes. --AH
     (***)  Mariah, before the big internal "gangsta bitch" conflict started. She’s got the look of a wild farmer’s daughter who’s ready to party, complete with checkered plaid shirt, Daisy Duke shorts, and pig tails. Hmmm… also, she actually makes use of her great voice and eight octaves, instead of trying to be competition for Faith Evans. They seemed to film this out in the country somewhere. I can just picture Mariah and her all-black dance troop going out to lunch at Country Bob’s Eatery. It’d be like that part in 48 HRS when Eddie Murphy interrogated  those hillbillies. --JW

Dr. Dre – Dre Day (1993)

     (***1/2)  One of the great gangsta rap videos, "Dre Day" is Dr. Dre’s six-minute masturbatory slam at Eazy E, a stance he probably regrets at this point. In the video, "Sleazy E" sits down with an evil white executive who promises to make him a star if he’ll go out and get himself a posse. He does, picking up two no-account brothers (I guess this part isn’t a commentary on the other members of N.W.A.) and running into a few enemies. As he heads back to the white exec’s office, the secretary serves them 40-ouncers and the exec tells them to "sign your life – I mean your name – on the contract." Cut to Dr. Dre, shown pointing a laser sight at the camera, in his own form of social commentary, I guess. Then, mercifully, Snoop takes over, the house party starts and Luke from 2 Live Crew is anally raped on camera. That’s a form of social commentary in itself. --AH

     (***1/2)  Probably my third-favorite rap video, the first two also involving Dr.Dre. In this video, Dre is seriously pissed off at Easy-E. Err, I mean Sleazy-E, since there’s no resemblance to any persons, living or dead, in this video, and any such coincidence is purely coincidental. Dre shows how Eazy-E sold out to white male record producers, and then proudly displays his Funkadelic t-shirt that I guarantee came from Sam Goody. As Sleazy prepared to sign his life away to the record executives, Dre bursts in and blows them muthas away with his laser pointed AK, which cracks me up so much I have to rewind it every single time. Young Snoop then takes over, and the house party commences, as we get to see Luke from 2 Live Crew get anally raped by some seriously large G-thug. That’s an image I’ll take with me for the rest of my life. --JW

Guns ‘N Roses -- Patience (1988)
     (**½)  This great song from Lies is ruined by a video whose purpose was to convince us that Axl Rose is sensitive. What a waste. What the hell? Why is Axl wearing two hats? Also, what’s with that damned studded belt? It looks like you stole it from Lita Ford’s closet. How do you expect to get rock ‘n roll chicks dressed like that? The message I take away from this is: Nobody thinks you’re sensitive Axel, just get over yourself. Also, you’re not a conductor, so put your damn arms down. Only Jim Morrison can swing a microphone like a maniac and get away with it, and sir, you are no Jim Morrison. --JW

P.M. Dawn – Set Adrift on Memory Bliss (1991)
     (***)  No one ever seemed to take these guys seriously. Of course, when you’re part of an act where the lead singer is always wearing a tie-dyed muumuu, that rarely happens. Psychadelic rappers? Such a trend could only have come from the early ‘90s. For that matter, a song that mentions Christina Applegate could only have come out of the early ‘90s. It’s embarrassing as hell, but I have these guys’ first two albums, and I like them. The video takes place on the beach, ethereal fly girls doing interpretive dances in clouds of blue smoke while these gurus sit on the beach, brightly-colored headbands and bracelets flaring as they rap. They really thought they were onto something here. --AH

U2 -- Even Better Than the Real Thing (1992)
     (***)  Bono falls down a long building while U2’s propaganda flies past the screen. I guess that’s a pretty good metaphor for their career in the nineties. I kind of preferred U2 before they discovered they could bitch through video, but this is still a far cry better than their latest offerings. Question: Could Bono have developed some sort of crazy third eye? That would explain the giant sunglasses. --JW