Blink 182 – What’s My Age Again?
     (***)  These guys are more or less a watered-down Green Day, but everything I hear from them, I like, so I guess I should quit bitching. The video itself is pretty damn clever, with the three band members and their tattoos running naked through the city – down the street, past a couple making out, past the little girl with the magnifying glass. I guess this will be cited as further evidence that our culture is decaying, but so what? It has them running naked through the set of "Talk Soup," through a Gap commercial and through a TV news set. What can I say? It’s childish but fun. --AH
     (***)  Every week, the boys of Blink 182 look at their nose rings in the mirror, search their souls, and ask themselves this question. The song describes all sorts of juvenile acts that they shouldn’t be committing because they’ve reached the big two-three, and showing the visual effect by streaking through downtown, the sets of "Talk Soup," a Gap commercial, and Fox Sports’ "Last Word." The use of nudity here is better than in the Alanis video. Or at least they have better thighs… --James Wallace

Cher – Strong Enough

     (*)  My only consolation right now is that I haven’t yet seen this on MTV. I’ve seen it on VH1 and Box Pulse but never on the corporate Viacom giant. How to describe this video? Well, it further cements Cher’s status as Ultimate Fag Hag 1999. The fact that she also held that title in 1969 and 1979 makes it even more pathetic. This is pure disco; if you told me it was made 20 years ago, I wouldn’t even question it. Compare this song’s synth violin solo with the identical one in Gloria Gaynor’s "I Will Survive." The video is pure late ‘90s, though, with Gap boys and girls hanging out in a living room while Cher is trapped in the TV. Two of them play her like a video game, which I’m sure Sonny Bono did for many decades. --AH

Citizen King – Better Days (And the Bottom Drops Out)
     (***)  This buzzworthy one-hit wonder video has been out for awhile, but this is the first occasion we’ve had to review it. Frankly, there’s not much to say about Citizen King. Their hit sounds like a cross between Sugar Ray, Everlast and Eagle-Eye Cherry. Somehow it earns my approval amidst those neo-modern rock clichés, though. Not to insult Kevin Smith, but this video is almost Clerks-like. The singer cleans out his grocer’s freezer, takes his push broom through the aisles and waters the produce. Along the way, he manages to pick up the milk delivery girl, greet some aliens and get himself arrested by two donut-eating cops. Carrie hates this video, but I’m obliged to give it a thumbs-up. I told you I’m in an optimistic mood this week, and this even has a mariachi band. --AH
     (***)  I should probably dislike this, but it’s decently funky rock for 1999. The band plays in a supermarket freezer, which probably wasn’t too hard to get the rights to, since the lead singer probably worked there before they got their big break. In fact, I’m pretty sure a guy with that same hair cut showed me where the Cocoa Puffs were last week. Hmm. We figure the video will end on an up-note, as the lead singer leaves with the cute milk delivery girl. Then, everybody but him is kidnapped by a flying saucer. Damn. "Clean up on aisle seven!" Sorry guy, back to work. --JW

Freestylers f/Definition of Sound – Here We Go

     (***)  Call it a bold prediction, but this may be the legitimately good dance single of the summer. It has some clichés – music that sounds fairly old, record scratches and all that, but the rapping is good without being harsh and the whole thing just flows. The video is, I would say, buzzworthy. A cast of Calvin Klein ad rejects hangs out at the demolition derby, crashing spray-painted cars into each other as the performers hang out in a half-finished house. There are even a few Mad Max allusions thrown in. For what this is, a cross between "Amp" and dance club music, "Here We Go" is a damn cool video. Consider this a thumbs-up. --AH

     (**½)  This could be genuinely funky, in that good way. I mean any video with a demolition derby, a classic beat and little mutant children running around must have something going for it. The action takes place in a post-apocalyptic demolition derby, where DJ’s are kept in cages to play the beat while the girls bang their jalopies into each other. A door with "The 80s Suck" is smashed off into oblivion. I guess it’s easy to see where their sentimentalities lay. --JW

     RANDOM CARRIE COMMENT: You know, I think I heard this at the skating rink 15 years ago.

Geri Halliwell – Look At Me
     (*1/2)  Interesting strategy: Geri quits the Spice Girls and releases for her first solo outing this novelty single that sounds like an outtake from a ‘50s musical. It’s one of those "I’m a bitch, I’m a lover, I’m a child, I’m a mother," songs about how her mood changes every few minutes. She tries to sound badass and vampy but only comes off as laughable. The video is the same way – shots of her in a nun’s habit intercut with shots of her looking like a whore. Which one do you think got her the record contract? This shit wouldn’t even float as a B-side from Madonna’s I’m Breathless: Songs From and Inspired by Dick Tracy album. Mark my words, this will sink without a trace. --AH
     (*½)  "Who is Geri Halliwell?" we’re asked in the first seconds of the video. Funny, that’s the same question most people are going to ask when they see this album in the music store. The girl was in Spice World, but now she wants to be taken seriously. I can’t say doing a video that makes her seem like somebody’s "moll" will do the trick. The video is a black and white attempt to do ‘30s lounge music in a ‘90s style, but it’s just sad ans pathetic. If she’s lucky, somebody like Ben Stiller might decide to stick this in some campy moment in his next movie, but my bet is that this will be completely forgotten within a year. --JW
     RANDOM CARRIE COMMENT: She looks like Fergie.

Jamiroquai – Canned Heat
     (**)  Jamiroquai made one of the best videos of the ‘90s with "Virtual Insanity." This follow-up isn’t quite disappointing. It’s fun enough – the singer dances through rooms, jumps through walls and at one point flies through a space-time continuum via blue screen. He’s got the soul for it. But the music itself is just watered-down ‘70s funk. (Lyrics like "You know this boogie is for real"? I mean, come on.) This band has its own sound; why don’t they stick to it rather than this discofied, wannabe Stevie Wonder fluff? As you can tell, I’m conflicted, because this is a fun video, but it’s lacking. --AH
     (**)  It seems like this guy is unable to move normally. It’s always like the room is made of jelly. Lacking the ethereal jam of their first video, this one sounds more like a song made for The Last Days of Disco, like a remake of some Sly and the Family Stone album track. Moving floors, dancing on the ceiling… you’d think I would like this, but it’s just boring. --JW

Lit – My Own Worst Enemy
     (**1/2)  When did it become classy to be tacky? These guys went out of their way to find powder-blue leisure suits with butterfly collars and walk into a bowling alley together. And you know they spent a shitload of money on that see-through red lucite bowling ball. And look, there are three hot girls on the next lane. This is pretentious, but the band is having fun with it, rolling balls every which way, grabbing themselves and generally acting tasteless. With that many tattoos, it’s understood, I guess. My roommates both dislike this, and I don’t really have an attachment to it, but I find this strangely appealing in a way. It’s decent MTV fluff. --AH
     (**)  Understand, the rating of two stars in no way endorses this video as "OK." More to the point, it’s a symptom of how bad things have gotten with videos lately. The video is ripped from the pages of The Big Lebowski, set in a bowling alley. I seriously have to wonder if these guys have ever been inside a bowling alley. I mean, they probably played their first gigs in places that served fondue. Don’t ask me why, but apparently wearing bowling outfits and ‘70s leisure suits make you "alternative." Give me a break. --JW

Ricky Martin – The Cup of Life
     (1/2)  Congratulations, Ricky Martin. You’re going home with my worst rating of the week. It’s okay, though. This isn’t a real video; it’s the theme song for the Winter Olympics or World Cup or something. I’m not sure; ask an Entertainment Tonight reporter… The video is pure concert drivel, with white girls in the audience going nuts at every interval and the brass section sounding funkier than ever. And his tight black t-shirt? Purely sexy. I don’t know, I almost get the feeling that Ricky Martin is one of Gloria Estefan’s second cousins and right now she’s sorry she ever played his demo for that record executive. --AH
     (zero)  Hey, this one is in English. Geez Ricky, I was just kidding last time. This non-video makes Ricky seem like he should be the buddy on some teenage girl sitcom. Remember that Joey Lawrence hit? Woah… that’s all I have to say. Woah, indeed. --JW

Will Smith – Wild, Wild West

     (**1/2)  This is the spectacle video of the week, a seven- or eight-minute attempted epic with a dramatic beginning, middle and end. It opens with Will Smith and Salma Hayek in bed, love candles blazing. As she goes into the next room, tarantulas crawl on the walls and the bad guy kidnaps her. Shit, Will, you have your work cut out for you, better get to work writing that movie theme. Do you know which disco hit you’ll build this one around? "Forget Me Nots" worked so well as the "Men in Black" theme. How about the Stevie Wonder song "I Wish"? You can get the Dennis Rodman-looking guy from Dru Hill to sing the chorus and get a few tailored but smooth cowboy suits. Hell, Puffy, Babyface and Stevie Wonder may even make cameos. You just tell Stevie he’s going to the hair stylist and he should just sit on that bench and look pretty. That way you won’t have to pay him. And as you walk past Puffy, you can lean in close and whisper, "You know what the difference is between me and you? I make this look good." In the end, as tarantulas crawl all over Salma and silver ninja stars fly everywhere, you can ride to her rescue. Wouldn’t that be nice, Will? It may even seem chivalrous. But it won’t seem respectable. --AH

     (**)  Great, another summer blockbuster song, this time for a movie I have absolutely no interest in seeing. Will wakes up in a heavy sweat ("I had that nightmare again. Kenneth Branaugh was in it.") and his girl reassures him, "Don’t worry, honey, he won’t make you do any more independent films." Just then, the evil Kenneth kidnaps Selma and spirits her off. Looks like it’s another Six Degrees of Separation for Will after all. Will’s starting to turn into a blockbuster summer artist. First the theme song to Men in Black, and now this. He wears this white suit that makes him look like he’s selling "Uncle Willie’s Miracle Tonic!" Then Will has to save Selma Hayek from a descending mechanical spider. Will this be the end of Will Smith? Stay tuned, same Will time, same Will channel… --JW

Britney Spears – Sometimes

     (*1/2)  After the raunch of "Baby One More Time" and her photo shoot for a recent Rolling Stone issue that hasn’t left our bathroom since, Britney tries to redeem herself. Dressed in a wholesome white sweater, she wanders up the pier carrying a beach ball. During the chorus, she dances with guys and shows off her stomach. Trivia tidbit – the extras standing on the pier are in the video because they won an MTV contest. "Sometimes" is innocuous fun, but I have to penalize it a half-star for having a choreographed shot where the dancers form a heart around Britney. It’s painful. If you look closely, you’ll notice the lonely, charming widower in his early 20s walking down the beach with his dog. Yeah, that’s the one she’s singing to. --AH
      (**)  Britney comes out and serenades us, dressed in virgin white. Yeah, anyway. No really, she’s pure as snow, boys, so give up all those thoughts you developed during "Baby One More Time." This song sounds like an ‘N Sync throwaway. "Sure Britney, we can give you one of our songs." "Really Justin? Wow, you’re the keenest!" Also, I’ve decided Britney only had time to learn one dance move for this entire album. I mean, she was too busy being a cutie-pie, so I don’t entirely blame her. Somehow, I doubt this follow-up will hold up, simply because we’ve already seen her stomach and there aren’t any Catholic school girls. --JW

Classic Videos

Huey Lewis and The News – Doing It All For My Baby (1987)
      (**1/2)  I get the feeling Huey Lewis took his videos very seriously. They always spent a shitload of money on them, he always hammed it up and always made sure the rest of the band got absolutely no airtime. Here, Huey puts their heads in jars and hangs them from the wall to make sure he’s the one they pay attention to. He’s the mad scientist, you see, with a lab coat, glasses and a wild gray wig that makes him look like Doc Brown from the Back to the Future movies. And I know he’s not singing into that test tube... Huey brings an ‘80s model to life in some Bride of Frankenstein experiment gone wrong, while his two-headed assistant plays a double-neck guitar. Yes, Huey Lewis and The News studied silent comedy under the careful tutelage of Buster Keaton. I might be inclined to rate this video higher on kitsch value alone (Huey always has that effect on me) if not for the scenes where Huey plays a double role as Frankenstein’s monster. --AH

Madonna – Burning Up (1983)
     (***)  They left this song off Madonna’s greatest hits and I’ve never understood why. "Burning Up" captures carefree pop sexuality far more effectively than "Lucky Star" and "Like a Virgin." She’s sultry, she’s slutty and she’s cute. Most importantly, at this point, she won’t join the Lilith Fair for another 16 years. There are plenty of early MTV camera gimmicks to go with it – the split screen, the repeated images contained in small circles – but they don’t distract from the pure energy Madonna has. The scenes of her lying in the boat and writhing in the streets validate her career in themselves… I guess you can tell, as much as I bash her now, I put a great deal of stock in the early days of Madonna’s career. No other female pop icon quite measures up. --AH

Miami Sound Machine – Bad Boy (1986)
     (*)  They left this song off Gloria Estefan’s greatest hits and I’ve never understood why. I mean, it was the theme to Three Men and a Baby! The video’s motif is another matter; the boys are all dressed up as cats, complete with makeup, ears and tails that pop up at suggestive times. And they’re supposed to be in some kind of street gang, apparently, but I can’t imagine any gang member would play a xylophone that looked like a fish. Even the West Side Story crew is more hardcore than that. Thanks a lot, Gloria Estefan. --AH
     (*)  It almost sounds like Amy Grant should sing this, but you know she would never do such things. There would be no cat erection in an Amy Grant video, although there probably should be. Oops, there’s the police cat with the whistle. Is he there to bust the bad boys? No, that’s the immigration service coming for Gloria. The bottom line? Switch off this video, and go see Cats instead. --JW