69.  Metallica – UnforgivenII 
     (*1/2)  Why must Metallica insist on being taken seriously while spitting out those rapid-fire guitar chords and gruffly shouted lyrics about the devil and shit? I’m liking "Unforgiven II" about as much as the first, but this time we have the added bonus of a shirtless old man dancing on a cave slab. I thought it was about time James Hetfield hooked up with the Lord of the Dance. Come on, we all know these guys aren’t the badasses they claim to be. I bet at least one of them owns Riverdance on laserdisc. –AH 
     (**)  Metallica, what happened? All the way up to The Black Album you guys rocked! You were the undisputed kings of thrash metal. The perfect music to beat your girlfriend to. Now, it’s like they’re trying to do the same stuff, but slow it down for their growing pop fan base. It seems like the same music, but like somebody slowed the record down to 33 rpms.  The problem is, the videos are getting better all the time. Just imagine if they had this kind of money for videos back in the 80s. I give it 2 stars, because the video is well put together, but the music leaves them still unforgiven, at least by me. --JW 

68.  Madonna – The Powerof Goodbye 

     (**1/2)  The new, mature Madonna, photographed in a flattering, "I’m Not 40" blue lens, plays a chess game with a much-younger guy. I feel I’m safe in assuming the chess game represents some kind of duel of the soul. She wins, I guess, because they’re making out before too long. Then she shoves him across the room, proving once and for all that she knows the power of goodbye. Then she goes down to the beach, where they don’t care if you shove your boyfriend across the room, and starts walking toward the water. No, Madonna, you don’t have to kill yourself. There are plenty of 24-year-old Calvin Klein underwear models still left. –AH 

     (**)  Sorry, Madonna, this album is not going to get you into next year’s Lilith Fair. I mean, you’re the material girl and everybody will forever see you that way. So stop trying to act spiritual and get back to breaking standards. The worst part is, the music isn’t altogether bad. It’s not ground shattering, but it’s anything but substandard. On the basis of that alone, I give it two stars. --JW 

67.  Cherry Poppin’ Daddies– Zoot Suit Riot
     (**)  Neither good nor bad, "Zoot Suit Riot" personifies the mediocre undertow of swing music. This is nothing but novelty, and it’s obvious from looking that this singer knows nothing about big band and swing. He’s got a fucking wallet chain, for God’s sake. And his idea of recreating the ‘30s is apparently to imitate Harry Connick, Jr. if he started hanging out with James Dean. The video is nothing but people dancing around and the band brandishing their saxophones as if to say, "Hey, we know how to play these." I can’t believe no one’s protested this band’s name yet, either. It’s not quite as bad as the Incest Trio or the Anal Rapists, but I’m surprised Pat Robinson’s found something better to do with his time than take issue. --AH 

66.  Usher – Nice &Slow 
     (*1/2)  Those abs with a voice, otherwise known as Usher, takes plenty of nice and slow chances to show off his perfect body to a camera strategically placed next to his right foot. That’s all we need, the Toenail’s Eye View shot… Oh, Lord, now he’s topless, singing in front of the Eiffel Tower. There were probably tourists there with cameras, prepared to capture a piece of world culture. When they got home, the poor bastards found out they got a picture of Usher’s chest instead. Hell, I can see that without leaving the country. --AH 
     (**)  Aww yeah. Usher has his cup of woo flowing over in this video. He’s shirtless, sweaty, and there’s a girl in a cage. That alone just captured an entire demographic. The video does its job, which is to make him the object of every teenage girl below 16. --JW 

VJ REVIEW: JESSE CAMP. 
     I hate this guy. He looks like Bjork if she just crawled out from the Dumpster behind Studio 54. Someone threw away that fur coat and purple neck wrap and Jesse just snatched it up. --AH 

65.  Brian Setzer Orchestra– Jump Jive 'N Wail 
     (**1/2)  What happened to Brian Setzer? He used to be fucking cool, then he went away for 15 years and came back looking like Paul McCartney the day he lost Linda. But he’s been lucky enough to get in on the swing revival with this Louis Prima cover. It’s like switching to a new set of lottery numbers and winning on the first try. This video is surprisingly fun to watch, though, with a bunch of attractive people doing some kind of swing lambada. It’s cool, even though you know it’s not true to the swing era. Go to most swing dances today and the best you’ll do are those 75-year-old ex-flappers who still can’t believe they’re grandparents. --AH 
     (**1/2)  This video is a lot of fun. It’s so loud in color and action that is made my friend Carrie hallucinate. It’s a great song to groove to, and it’s well executed swing music. The only problem is that it’s completely and totally fake. The song wasn’t written by Brian Setzer, it’s actually a swing tune from the original era of swing. Remember hearing about that in class? Also, Brian is getting up there in age. I think if he jumped, jived and wailed too much he’d throw his back out. He looks like Paul McCartney in a pompadour whig, and it’s obvious the panties being shown everywhere are meant to keep our attention. Of course, it works. --JW 
     RANDOM CARRIE COMMENT — I bet he has more tattoos than any other swing artist on the countdown. 

64.  Blackstreet f/Mya w/Mase and Blinky Blink – Take Me There 
     (**1/2)  Nothing like Mya to make me willingly watch a video with Mase in it. This video is from the Rugrats soundtrack, so the entire thing is set up like a nursery, even though Mya’s wearing a haltertop with fur while lounging in her crib… in her crib, of course. Blackstreet is wearing shirts with primary colors, rapping around a giant kitchen table, while Mase drives a cardboard car down a backdrop street, smiling like a dope and moving his arms. In other words, what he normally does in the course of a day for a food pellet. Mase is such an Uncle Remus. And a guy named Blinky Blink? What the fucky fuck?! --AH 

63.  Dave Matthews Band– Stay (Wastin’ Time) 
     (**)  It’s a rare Dave Matthews Band video that doesn’t entertain me. This is one of them, with Dave at home in South Africa, apparently having forgotten that he’s white. What does Dave do when he’s in South Africa? Get a shave, entertain a street festival and hang with his South African homies. --AH 
     APARTMENT Y DIALOGUE: 
     CARRIE: What this video is missing is hairspray. These guys should all glam it it up and dress like Poison. 
     ANDREW: Then the video wouldn’t be set in a South African village, now would it? 
     JAMES: They’d be burning down the South African village. 
     CARRIE: Oooh, there's a black Catholic schoolgirl. You don’t see a lot of black Catholic schoolgirls in South Africa. 
     JAMES: God knows I’ve looked. 

62.  All Saints – NeverEver 
     (*1/2)  I could almost excuse this song if it didn’t start out with a full minute of high school poetry. And no one asked for another Spice Girls. One was plenty, thanks. But these girls are a little more down to earth looking. Not one of them karate kicks the camera and I haven’t seen any pierced tongues so far. For the first time since 1986, someone break dances. A car blows up. The black one has lip gloss. Someone’s got a flame thrower. They keep singing and eventually multiply, to the tune of computer-generated hundreds. Saints reproduce asexually, you see, but I’d teach them a better way if they’d let me. But not if I have to listen to their whole album. --AH 
     (**1/2) Oh great, another bunch of Spice Girl wannabes (How sad is that?) prancing around, pretending they’re really deep. I hate this stuff, they should put a stop to it, and…wait, this is actually really catchy. Err, they’re damned sexy too. I guess lust and pop melody saves this video after all. You can tell they’d do anything for a rhyme, though. "The alphabet runs straight from A to Zed"? It rhymes with head, yay! I think all of their vocabulary ran through their heads for this one. --JW 

61.  Puff Daddy f/Jimmy Page – Come With Me 
     (*)  This is the second Godzilla video on the countdown, and it’s no improvement. Puff Daddy dreams he’s making out on a canopy bed with a hottie, which is his second-favorite dream, after the one where he writes a song. Then he finds himself in an elevator that’s falling and starts rapping up into the camera. Looks like you’re about to die? Rap now while you still can… Then the elevator reverses course, shooting out of the roof like Puff Daddy’s about to inherit the entire chocolate factory from Willy Wonka. Later, as I wish he was plunging to his death, Puffy free falls, actually trying to sing. And I thought Airplane! was funny… Later, Puffy turns up in the streets of New York, leading a randomly assembled orchestra. Oh, how it must have sucked for those string players who have been studying music for 50 years to take direction from Puff Daddy, who probably can’t find the "C" note on a piano keyboard. --AH 
     (*1/2)  It will take more than Godzilla to stop Puffy from stealing good songs from the seventies and making them into bigger monstrosities than this movie featured (or was, depending on your view). Gee Puffy, thanks for bringing Jimmy Page into the ‘90s where he can sell his soul just like you did. Asshole. The only thing that makes this at all worthwhile is you can hear the remnants of "Cashmere" in there somewhere. --JW 
     RANDOM CARRIE COMMENT: Oh My God! He’s wearing the same pants as Sheryl Crow!