9.  Celine Dion – My Heart Will Go On
     (zero)  My original few months worth of thoughts on this single went along the lines of, "Why does a song so bad have to be associated with a movie so good?" Now that I’ve been overexposed to both, I realize Titanic and this song feature the same shameless emotional manipulation. And I can’t decide what’s worse – the extended closeups of Celine or Leonardo DiCaprio. The video, of course, has Celine standing on the hull of the ship, presumably the Titanic. If there’s a God in heaven, she’ll be one of the 1,400 unlucky ones when the ship goes down. I wish I could have masqueraded as a video director the day this video was filmed. "Celine, we’re going to shoot this one on a real ship for authenticity." Within two hours, I’d be telling the cops, "Man, I don’t know how it happened. She just fell overboard." --AH
     (zero)  The first time I saw Titanic I nearly cried. The second time I nearly threw up. I think the same thing can be said about hearing Celine sing. Just watching this video makes me want to run her into an iceberg. She’s kind of like a giant French-Canadian peacock with a record contract. Can she be any more of James Cameron’s bitch? --JW

8.  Beastie Boys – Intergalactic

     (****)  There was a period of about two weeks last summer when I used to get excited when this video came on. It was so fucking cool. It proved the Beasties hadn’t lost anything during their absence. But MTV played the hell out of it. Every hour, on the hour, and when you’ve got cable and nothing to do, that translates to a lot of viewings. I got sick of this by July, and then MTV kept it in heavy rotation until November and I almost resented it. Now that I can watch it again on an irregular basis, I realize this video is up there with "Sabotage." A cheesy ‘50s horror movie combined with sanitation worker garb and an oddly shifting, cool-as-hell camera trick as the Beasties rap. --AH
     (****)  Monsters fighting giant robots with death rays, Japanese people running in terror and the Boys rapping their hearts out dressed as Sanitation workers. This video has everything but the kitchen sink! Oh wait, it just fell out of that building. Never mind. While not exactly on par with anything from Ill Communication musically, it’s a hard choice between this and "Sabotage" as their best video of all time. --JW

7.  ‘N Sync – Another Damned ‘N Sync video
     (*)  Nice pecs. This is the same bassline from "Backstreet’s Back." What am I saying, these are the same singers from "Backstreet’s Back." Why not? They’re both Maurice "New Kids" Starr creations. This video is yet another case of warehouse photo-shoot pop videos where boys have tight white shirts that show off their sculpted chests. These were the kind of boys I hated to have gym class with. --AH
     (zero)  What else can I say about these fuckers? I’m tapped out. Maurice Starr is going on a bullet train to Hell. --JW

6.  Will Smith – Gettin’ Jiggy Wit’ It
     (***)  This video is just so tacky, so indicative of what’s wrong with rap videos that it’s cool. It’s like the Master P video, only I like it because it’s Will. I know it doesn’t make since, but I said it, he’s a lucky bastard and he’s got Big Willie Style. Now he’s even ripping off Michael’s "Remember the Time," dressing up as a Pharoah and rapping around a palace. Then he puts on the Hawaiian suit. He gets a star and a half just for wearing that red, green and white monstrosity. --AH
     (**1/2)  See my previous Will Smith entries. To sum up: lucky bastard, wholesome son-of-a-bitch. Still, it’s catchy, and it reminds me (rap-wise) of the old days with Jazzy Jeff. Of course, if Will had worn any of those suits in the 80s, he would have kicked his own ass. --JW

5.  Goo Goo Dolls – Iris
     (***)  Shameless pop. With clips from City of Angels. But I like it. I can’t really tell you why, but I do. And I never got sick of this song. The video does the best it can for being out of a movie, which I think is admirable. The singer, looking a little too much like Jesse Camp, is up in some kind of observation tower, looking down on a bunch of City of Angels clips. Actually, I think most intelligent people look down on City of Angels clips, but oh well. --AH
     (*1/2)  Oh my God, the Goo Goo Dolls are watching us from above! 1984 has finally arrived! No wonder the Queens tunnel is always backed up. Nobody can bypass the wuss rock band whining in the middle of it. I liked "Long Way Down," which their talent seems to have went. --JW

4.  Backstreet Boys – I’ll Never Break Your Heart
      (zero)  The tender, "Yes I still care, baby" ballad. These guys are standing in some kind of wind tunnel. No one turns it on. I’m seeing more pecs. Now we get to look into a high-rise apartment where a Backstreet Boy lives on each floor. I’d never move into this place… well, maybe if it was rent-controlled… One, Two, Three, Four, Five. Oh, sorry, I was doing a mental count of how many of these guys I could beat up. --AH
     (zero)  See my last entry on N’Sync. Die, Maurice Starr, Die! Oh look, the Olsen twins would like this crap. All of these boy group videos show what’s wrong with America. I just want them all to die. --JW

3.  Aaliyah – Are You That Somebody?
     (***)  Six months in rotation, and this is still a cool video. What sucks about videos from movies is when the video outlives the movie and you have to see the same movie clips for six months. It takes something away from the video to see Aaliyah and her dancers, looking sexy and cool, on a well-designed silver brick set, then in the background is a shot of Eddie Murphy getting farted on by a hamster. And I don’t think anyone still wears their pants that far down. It’s so 1994. But what a set of abs. --AH
     (***)  You can tell this video was built around the bassline, which is very catchy. That, Aaliyah’s stomach and the cool falcon save this video. I think she’s my video hottie choice of the evening. The only problem is I’d have to make her pull her pants up before I took her to meet my parents. --JW

2.  Aerosmith – I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing
     (*1/2)  Why? Why would Aerosmith stoop to a Diane Warren song? After writing the same song six times ("Cryin’," "Amazing," "Crazy," "Deuces Are Wild," "Blind Man," "Hole in My Soul"), I guess they suddenly suffered a bout of writer’s block. Stephen Tyler has finally let age catch up with him, too. Skulking around in a feathery black coat, he looks like that weathered veteran who really should have been left on the battlefield to die. The drummer looks worse. The way his eyes bug out, I think he may have actually been stuffed by a taxidermist since the last video. Bad song, period. And I bought the single for $1.99 before I realized that. That’s two dollars I’m going to take out on Aerosmith’s ass someday. Forty cents worth for each of them. --AH
     (**)  I wish I could line Aerosmith, the Rolling Stones and all the other dinosaurs up in a row so that asteroid would bring about their extinction and they could die with some dignity. Oh look, isn’t Ben Affleck so cute? Let’s plaster his face all over the screen for two minutes. What awesome power, what great special effects. I wonder what the song sounds like? Don’t cry Liv Tyler, your dad’s gone to a better place. --JW

1.  Brandy and Monica – The Boy is Mine

     (**)  So bland that karma dictated it would be #1 of the year, this Brandy/Monica ode to hair-pulling is a direct descendent of Paul and Mike’s fighting in "The Girl is Mine." This time, though, it’s believable that both singers would be after the same person. Here it’s movie gangsta Mekhi Phifer, who has a, "Shit, I’m lucky to be cradling Monica," look on his face the whole time. I don’t know, this wouldn’t be a contest at all. I’d pick the classier, cuter, eyes-closer-together Monica. But I’d still like to see them pull each other’s hair out first. Why not? It’s replaceable. The fact that this video starts out with a Jerry Springer clip says it all. –AH

     (**)  Why go see Ringmaster when you can just watch this video? What a weird concept; I can’t believe this made number one. I’m personally offended. Besides, in real life everyone knows the boy would take one look at Brandy’s freaky Bug Eyes and go running to Monica. Umm, yeah Jerry... you in the video, you need to ditch that zero and get yo’self a hero! Or maybe just a new concept for this video. --JW